I See You.

I’m pissed off.3833921-7044494301-19707

I’m hurt.

I haven’t been writing much because I haven’t been having the best 6 months so far.

Yes, it’s only month 4 of the new year.

I still had baggage been carried from last year. So the updates I’ve been writing felt forced.

I’m not the only one having it rough, reading what Thandeka wrote is proof of that.

My saving grace has been going back to reading the Bible app I keep deleting and reinstalling on my phone.

I think when you are too much in your head, you end up thinking you’re the only one having it tough.

So I’ve been on the move.

Literally moving from a bigger space to a smaller.

Taking long walks when I’m home.

Leaving an energy sucking job of 5 years for sales gig…I now see why getting a sales job was so easy…they always hiring because people quit.

It’s scary thought, slowly down.

Standing still.

To think.

To pause and listen.

I think I’ll break down.

Maybe that’s what I need.

Not sure if I’ll ever stop if I start…

…I’m not church person.

I went because whenever I went to visit my cousin’s, and they went.

Silently wishing that on that particular Sunday something needed to happen, to prevent us from going.

God found a way to scroll past that prayer though.

Because God has Facebook.

I did it for others, going to church. I was not internally drown to it.

The choir events, when church choirs from other churches come together to sign church songs, were dope.

Everything else lacked integrity.

The only organisation I experienced which had integrity of the highest level was Network 21.

Anywhere else was just filled with hypocrisy.

The Bible has been edited too many times for it to be taken as gospel.

It’s guidance.

Making sure you are on the right path.

Your north star.

But some church brothers and sister, even in other church, see it as gospel.

I don’t believe in church.

I don’t think I ever did.

I believe in God though.

The God of my understanding.

The one Phetheni still has a copy of…yes mama ngi sase lapho.

So I have been reading through the verses and highlighting passages that I want to contest or interpret better or relate better to.

Finding what I can apply that day, since I started a morning routine of reading a chapter in the morning.

Tom Bilyeu recommended I have a routine, and he’s the truth.

I feel better now.

Thank you.

~ Musa

 

 

 

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You Could Have It Worse

downloadHad a shit day at work yesterday.

Came back home having successfully gathered, in my mind, other BS past events to feel shit about.

But instead of hiding my mini depression behind alcohol or sex, I decided to pray about it.

Having all that stuff compound inside you, in the form of thoughts, will fester and eat you up inside.

Venting in the form of prayer, for me anyway, helps.

So I went to bed, sat up and took my sleeping Sethu in my arms and began to pray.

As if using her as my telephone line to God.

Mentioning how that very baby girl has the flue and needs to get better soon.

How taking her to speech therapy is emotionally taxing and how I need to be strong for her during these effortless sessions – the little one has the time of her life during these sessions.

I also prayed on how I need to speak to this surprisingly ignorant daycare teacher labeling my genius baby as a slow learner, even though the child development specialist evaluated that she’s only delayed in speech for her age.

Please-climb-that-tree1Actually f*** the specialist, I see that my baby is on point, even though the stupid twat doesn’t.

I prayed over the shit job situation, and their stupid ass meetings that borderline exit interviews.

Prayed about me having to raise 6 times my monthly salary in a space of 12 months as an offering to officially marry the mother of my child.

Me having to move my family to a new rental space. This being our 9th move to date.

The car needing services & repairs.

Me, the first born, feeling compelled to take care of my mom who sold her house.

God knows why.

I say God knows because after the house got sold and she had to go rent for a couple of months, she moved to another church.

The previous church is rumored as a church that uses people’s beliefs to church’s benefit…then again isn’t that the case with most churches?

God works in mysterious ways.

Mom now stays with relatives, who I feel are side eyeing me on why I haven’t stepped up to the plate and took ownership of her situation.

Hell, I’m barely holding things together with my family, let alone including umama into the equation.

Thinking that having the mother of my child going back to live her parents house would save us some money and open up some cashflow options, only to have her own mother kick her out.

Mamazala, your future son in law is working on solutions here but you’re a not getting with the program.

With resumes being updated and submitted for new job apps among all of this. Anxiety levels stretching since I’m going out of my comfort zone and whoring myself out to the marketplace yet again.

Then I heard are only distributor of energy in South Africa was over R400 billion in debt.

So maybe I don’t have it all that bad see?

~ Musa

Morning Meetings with Sethu

When it’s my turn to take my 2 year old to daycare, we drive by the cemetery.

I point to it, and tell my little Viking, strapped in her baby seat, that we are all going to end up here.

And so we must live the best life we can.

Like the good doctor said,

“don’t die with your music inside you.”

My version to that was, don’t be anyone’s bitch.

But I think I’ll wait until she’s older, like when she’s 3 maybe, before I use that language with her.

Until then, don’t die with your music inside you.

~ Musa

How I Made R1300 In 2 hours….

There’s this thing that the universe does when it comes to answering your prayers.

Last week, around this time, I was complaining to one of my mentors.

It was a good release, especially after she sent me a TED Talk that spoke of the truth definition of mental health.

I was carrying with me this cloud of defeat due to the level of stress & anxiety I was perpetuating in my head.

But what I’ve realized about myself, is that I dont’ stay defeated.

I think that’s why I decided to eventually click on Tom Biyeul’s link.

A link, mind you, that I’ve been scrolling past to check out my new obsession: mixed martial arts videos on YouTube.

What he and Ed Mylett brought up in the interview spurred something in me that had me take action on an idea I had.

I just never took action on it.

So the next morning I went on to Olx.co.za, (a platform for buying and selling services and goods online) to sell my Playstation.

An idea I had for while just to boost us for the month.

I still can’t believe how fast that shandis sold.

7:00: I posted the ad. I took a number of pictures using my girlfriend’s iPad after watching the Tim & Ed video the day before. Ended up posting 1 of them though. My thinking was less perfection and more action.

IMG_5319

7:08: Ad was verified & published.

7:11: 2 potential buyers were wondering if it was still available. 1 was willing to buy at the initial price of R1500. 2nd buyer wanted to close me on R1300, on the basis that I sell it to him that day. So I did.

9:01: I had R1300 in cash, in my hand.

And that is how I made R1300 in 2 hours.

It just reconfirmed how:

  1. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
  2. The universe rewards action. Any action is better than no action.
  3. The universe likes speed.
  4. Expect to succeed. Even if it’s the first time you are trying out something new. There is power in expectation.
  5. There is more ways money can be made apart from slaving away for it at your job.

It reminds me of how Vaynerchuk keeps inspiring about his #trashtalk.

I don’t believe all transactions go this fast.

That would be naive of me to believe that.

But R1300 a day, is a much higher rate than what I am getting a day at work.

Additional sources of incomes are available if only we act on them and not only pray about them.

~ Musa

 

God Answers…

Looking over my blog for inspiration.

Wanted to write about something fresh.

Life experiences work best.

I then remembered that I have been affirming BS over the past few days.

Finished reading my book.

So I’m left with my own thinking, with no forward thinking concepts to rival them.

So I resorted to what I had already with me.

Prayer.

Positive affirmation to the Invisible Supply to give me strength & the courage to free me from the quicksand I have thrown myself in.

Created by the negative thinking I have been over thinking.

And God answered.

Not in the bush-on-fire kind of way.

She usually more subtle than that.

To me anyways.

Something I have forgetten with all the attention I have giving the outside world.

With me having my hand been bitten from over extending my compassion to others, but giving none to myself.

Through those silent, emo prayers I was repeating to myself manifested a call from my guardian angel, in the form of a coworker.

Someone I draw strength from because she’s such a freaking inspiration.

She managed to do settle all her debts.

No matter how painful it was, with her having to sacfrice her looks for a brighter financial future.

She also managed to raise her standards.

Asking more from herself because of how much value she now sees in herself.

S*** like that, makes people frkn beautiful.

I live for moments like those.

Spending time with people who are were I want to be or aspiring to reach that level.

She came to fetch my ass for a much needed free lift to work & back in her new car.

Wow.

She never seems to disappoint.

Coming from a dark past to be excelling the way she is, makes me feel like a whimp for complaining as much as I am.

It lifted my spirit.

I needed that.

What I’m trying to say is that She answers in a various, unexpected ways that we miss.

Billboard sign.

Song lyrics heard over the radio.

Meme.

Statements said in passing.

She doesn’t shout from the rooftops.

God answers in whisphers.

~ Musa

Just Peachy….

I was on Facebook with it’s FB memories reminders.

That seems to be the only thing I update on Facebook, come to think of it.

Meaning next year I will be reminded about the memories FB reminded me of today.

Nothing new under the sun.

Went emo couple of days back with the blog I published.

That day sucked, but I’ve had worse.

The morning sex usually helps with improving my mood.

But my partner in crime was not available for the joint venture so I turned to food. I was out of beer.

Self gratification gives me minimal pleasure. Not as satisfying as the excitement I get in conquering the female body into orgasm…I digress.

So I took baby girl to daycare in the morning.

Did the dishes.

Took a nap.

Bathed and headed for work.

I took the time I spent offline focusing on what’s going right, even though the world is on fire around me.

Reminds me of that hell scene when John Constantine went for a quick peek in that Constantine movie.

Things could be better, yes, but bitching about them won’t change them much.

Sometimes the discomfort you are experiencing now is nudging you forward, not backward.

Busy praying for deliverance from your current unhappiness but you’re not happy with the process it takes for your prayer to be answered.

S*** will always hit the fan. Even more so when change is coming.

Think it’s a matter of riding it out. But to always keep your eyes on the price.

That’s why goals are important.

Without them, what’s the point of living?

~ Musa