Shit Left Unsaid

It gets quite.

And in that silence, when my thoughts are not occupied by something, my thoughts drift.

Like a 1 ply toilet paper, that shit floats and travels and drifts and lands.

And rests.

On things it shouldn’t.

Empty things that don’t have value because they don’t value you back.

An unspoken agreement between the two of us.

An agreement I keep breaking because I see the value.

Which contradicts my values.

As I play make-believe and have imaginary conversations in my head, with a ghost.

Haunting me like Toby…but shorter.

~ Musa

It Was That Fucken Forehead of Yours

Did You Know:
Hydrocephalus – Also called: water on the brain
A build-up of fluid in the cavities deep within the brain.
 
The extra fluid puts pressure on the brain and can cause brain damage.
It’s most common in infants and older adults.
 
Hydrocephalus is characterised by head enlargement in infants.
 
Adults and older children experience headache, impaired vision, cognitive difficulties, loss of coordination and incontinence.
 
Treatment is often a tube (shunt) inserted surgically into a ventricle to drain excess fluid.

***

Maybe a week.

Or a couple of days without speaking.

But never more than a month.

Shit doesn’t feel normal.

I think I’m losing my mind.

Fuck.

But she was in tears.

She saw how withdrawn I’ve become.

I blamed her but honestly, I was to blame.

It had nothing to do with her, I was just thinking about myself.

Because I’m greedy.

But it felt good, what was I supposed to do.

It went from 0 to 100 quick.

That shit took off like a runaway slave.Siwa.jpg

And then, and then she asked, “are you going to call me back again right?”

“Like Fuck yeah!”

That’s what I really wanted to say.

But I ended up saying,

“I’ll try.”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll think about it.”

And she would reply, “Okay then, so I’ll hear from you soon then. Bye.”

I fucken hated falling for her.

…I can see why he married you.

~ Musa

13 Secret Lessons from That Book You Like So Much

The title was supposed to have been 13 Secret Lessons from Jesus but like Job, I’m having a love-hate relationship with my faith, so there.

  1. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ~ Matthew 7:7
  2. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. ~ Matthew 5:8
  3. …We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ~ Romans 8:37
  4. …Under His wings you will find refuge: His faithfulness will be your shield. ~ Psalm 91:4
  5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:5
  6. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~ Hebrews 11:1
  7. God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble ~ Psalm 46:1
  8. Do not be anxious about anything… ~ Philippians 4:6
  9. Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. ~ Psalm 55:22IMG-20190412-WA0000
  10. Be kind one to another. ~ Ephesians 4:32
  11. Never stop praying ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:17
  12. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been. ~ Hebrews 12:11
  13. But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible… ~ Matthew 19:26

~ Musa

 

The Struggle to Success

Sometimes you have to be knocked down to get ahead in life.

Because of the person you need to become once you get up.

But some just stay knocked down.

Life will knock you TF down, that’s inevitable.

But it’s imperative that you find a way to get up.

That is the price you have to pay for what you want.

Things don’t just come to you, on the regular, without you playing your part.

You got to have your teeth knocked in.

You got to get that gut check.

You want to succeed?

That’s the gauntlet you have to go through.

You get knocked down so that you can dust yourself off and rise.

It’s in your rising that you will find your salvation.

Get the F up!

Become alive.

Your soul yearns for that taste of being alive.

Life is working in your favour, believe it or not.

You might be having your dips in life, but you have more peaks than dips.

Your focus is on how s*** life is.

The important part is to remember that you are going through the dips.

Don’t camp there.

Keep going.

Crawl if you have to.

You have to go through the furnace to become the person you need to be.

Lift your head up so that your line of vision will allow you to see opportunities to get you ahead in life.

Not the obstacles you keep looking for on the ground.

Only then will you be within eye view of the things that you want.

Life is conspiring for you and not against you.

Life is outside your comfort zone, so in order for you to succeed, shit needs to be uncomfortable.

Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.

If you having it easy in life, then you’re not progressing towards success, but away from it.

It’s a process.

Like, how bad do you want it?

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~ Musa

The BS Story You Keep Telling Yourself…

I just realized something, I’m 35 and I don’t have a pension fund.

This was a result of me jumping from one company to another.

Yes, it’s my fault.

Leaving permanent, 4 year government job I had in favor of fulltime stock trading, was a very risky move.

That stunt came back to bite me in the ass, when that venture failed.

Mainly because I did not initially find someone who was already succeeding in what I wanted to do.

And modelling their success habits that will allow me to be as successful.

Mentorship, would have this most very lucrative for me.

I had to go to corporate world with zero pension fund, bouncing from one pension fund-less job to another.

This was due to the kind of temporary jobs I’ve been getting.

Temps jobs don’t come pension benefits.

Now because I’ve been relying on a company to determine my future financial security, I’m left caught with my dick in my hand.

I’ve been relying on other people to provide a level of security that they themselves aren’t aware of.

There’s no power there.

That part of my life has been titled as one of my greatest failure.

But I’ve now found that it’s one of my greatest successes.

Because of the lessons it has taught me.

More of a warning.

That you are leaving yourself too exposed if you success depends on someone else’s decision.

Your chances of success will tilt in your favour when you take 100% ownership of your level of success in your life.81x2aSRQqGL

Saying that anyone or any institution is the reason behind why you’re not getting ahead in life, is a bullshit story you keep telling yourself.

So much so that you believe it.

And because of your belief, this has become your reality.

Just because things are dire for now, does not mean I’m f***ed for life.

Especially when books by Anthony Robbins paint a different picture of my possible future.

~ Musa

Turbulence

Nkulunkulu wami, why is it that lapho engithi ngibamba khona, kuvese kunga bambeki?

Or are you teaching me not to be comfortable.

Because being comfortable means angiyi phambili nge lewe?

Ngiyazama,

Mdala,

Mara uma ngithi ngibheka phambili, kule ndlela engi vaya kuyo, kumnyama.

Ngathi ugesi awukho le voor.

Ende ngiqonde khona daar.

Kuya khuphukela.

Ngibheka ema sayi dini, ngibona kuzi bedela wees.

Angiboni ngathi kuzo phela.

Bengizo fasa ihand brake nou ngi jinde le lewe iqubeke phambili.

16.

Hai wou ngi grend.

Mara ngivaya ne ncosi.

Akuna wou niks.

Kwamele ngishaye ngathi ngiya themba kuthi sizo fika lapho, engi fisela kuthi sizo fikela khona.

Ngoba, bona, mina ke Sehoja

LeRussia

Kubu Kubu entsa marota re o bone.

Tsoela.

Ama Die Hard.

Never Die.

Rabobi.

~ Musa

Aluta Continua

South Africa has been hit by a series of violence of late.

There have been xenophobic attacks.

I’m sure Twitter and YouTube will give you enough clips that will give you an idea of what has been happening.

What’s more painful have been the brutal violence and rape against South African women and children.

Every year around Women’s Month in August, this happens.

It’s as if all year round, nothing happens in relation to this, then come August…

…where the focus should be on celebrating women, we take a detour and focus on rape and femicide. Something that should be addressed daily.

It’s so fucked how the women are inconsolable.

It reminded me of a friend who was in an abusive relationship but did not have the strength to leave, at the time.

She eventually did.

Just like my mom.

The abuse she endured (emotionally and physically) led her leaving an environment that was constantly attacking her.

I used to blame her for leaving us (me and sister).

But now I see that it wasn’t an easy decision for her to make.

And while my world was on fire this past week, I was walking through it being reminded of my experiences with it.

Too relatable, and very close to home.

When even our own country banned…silenced those that tried to speak up about it.

It’s disgusting.

It angers me.

And self defeating.

It’s not acceptable.

It’s not normal.

You deserve better.

I pray that the exposure this is getting will give other women to find within themselves, the strength to leave abusive relationships.

The strength the women I referred to found through their children and the latter through her faith.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

Nothing Beats The Grind

After 2-3 weeks of submitting a minimum of 10 resumes a day, I finally got a job. My fiance’s family fed me during the holidays hustle.

A very humbling experience since I am a prideful man.

I don’t like getting handouts because in my life I’ve come to find that most handouts come with an IOU tag.

I don’t want to be indebted to anyone.

So being in the position I was in, made me grind harder.

I think I sent out those CVs and with me going to interviews between.

Some interviews where scams, some promising. But I kept submitting them promising or not.

Most people start slowling where nearing the finish line.

I slow down once I cross it.

Hell, I even turned to reading the bible.

You know shit’s hit the fan when I pick up “the book.”

It kept me going. That and seeing the unbothered smile on my daughter’s face.

She hit the side of her eye, that one, playing in the playgrounds at cresche.

Had to get stitched. Busy walking around with an eye the size of a golf ball. To put it mildly, she was not impressed seeing the world with one eye.

But I’m glad I was there to assist with the healing process.

But it was her mom that kept me above water mainly. There’s no one I appreciated more, beyond words even, than her, during this period.

I felt stripped of my title as a provider.

As a man, if I cannot provide for my family, what am I?

Feeling lost, going to bed with a broken heart. I was without purpose and I felt depressed.

The need to feel needed by corporate was overwhelming. Which felt like a contradiction because I promote the idea of owning your own business.

A purposeless, non providing, hypocrite of the a man.

And I knew if I start hating myself then there won’t be any improvement in my life.

So I kept my black ass working to keep from thinking negative thoughts.

Because my thinking was shit.

It worked, at face level.

But for lasting results, I need that deep kinda loving.

That only I can provide from the inside out.

The grind paid off.

Now employed on a probationary basis.

Work ethic + being intentional + the law of averages working in my favour produced results.

With prayer and work ethic, something’s got to give.

And it did.

As expected.

~ Musa

PS. This was a delayed post. My baby girl is all healed up now. Mischievous as hell. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Celebrate Your “Little Wins”

I’ve been having subtle wins this year, and I haven’t been sharing them on my blog.

I’m sorry about that.

The diagnosis for my daughter has been taking most of my energy.

I’m not the first or the last to have given birth to a child with special needs. This whole experience has changed my perspective about people with disorders.

It made me appreciate those who care for them even more. It was more of the mental work I was going through, more than anything else, that has me reeling.

I shared with a friend how I have mixed emotions about where I am right now, in my life.

Feelings of shame, regret, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, anger, blame, joy, happiness, pride, excitement, significance, responsibility, humility.

But the very first of the emotions I felt when I got the news was denial.

“She’s just a child.”

“She’ll eventually start speaking soon. Maybe when she turns 4.”

“Children are supposed to be hyper active, they are young.”

But getting a diagnosis from a speech therapist, as well as an occupational therapist, as well as a neuro-paediatrician, all coming to the same autistic conclusion, can’t be disputed.

My ignorance of this disorder, the fear of this unknown, a fear I couldn’t run from, led me to fighting it. This prolonged the therapy necessary to better manage the condition, unnecessarily.

Did you know that there is an autism spectrum?

Where they decide how severe the autism is?

What is autism?

The brochure I got from the counselling we got from, Gloria, the lady that runs Autism South Africa says:

“An Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a lifelong condition that affects the way a person communicated and relates to people around them.

People with an ASD have difficulty on relating to others in a meaningful way.

Their ability to develop friendships is generally limited as is their capacity to understand other people’s emotional expression.

Some people, but not all, have accompanying learning disabilities.

All people with an ASD have impairments in social interaction, social communication and imagination.…”

It’s like learning a new language this thing.

How I relate to her to how I thought I would relate to her, to how I should.

She’s a toddler, sommer needs to add that to the mix as well.

So the majority of my year has been finding coping mechanisms.

Some healthy, most…not so healthy.

But the bottom line is how all my energies were focused in that area of my life, and this led to me neglecting this blog.

Bringing me back to this update.

I’ve been rewriting my goals down almost every day.

(It should be every day I know, but I’m working on it.)

So, with me silently working on attracting these things on my goal list, however improbable, I have managed to achieve some of them.

I was just testing a theory that Napoleon Hill’s Law of Success: The 21st-Century Edition documented.

I wanted my fiancé’s car to be settled. We had another year to go until that was going to happen.

I hate waiting, and the persistent calls she was getting from the bank asking her to make payment for it was draining both our energies.

Guess what, after about 4 months of me writing this as one of my goals, unbeknownst to her, she managed to attract the funds to have the car settled last month!

What are the chances that something I was writing about achieving, without her knowing, could really come true just like that!!

Another of my “little wins” was how I managed to get my phone back from the repair guy.

The iPad my daughter shattered was also repaired.

We were gifted 2 Nutrilite Omega 3 packs, which I also had on my list. I actually had one, but the universe – through Dr York Liu, gave us 2.

I needed a new Hymm Shaving Razor. Which we got as well.

Small things that I’ve been writing about, without anyone knowing, are coming into my life.

Through various and interesting ways. Wins that need to be celebrated, especially how the car got settled.

That is brilliance at its best.

But more importantly, it’s the way that these goals have been attracted that gives me hope and hopefully, courage to ask for bigger goals.

You should give it a go.

~ Musa