The Fixer

B33rFzqCYAIREuFSometimes when the road ahead looks very dark, anxiety levels go up.

That’s when I come to you God to help shed some light.

But if the road I’m taking vele has no street lights then I’m relieved knowing that you are by my side.

I’m taking this knee with this post because I’m also in dire need so my ancestors need to be also involved in this prayer.

Because without them I would be here, and without You they wouldn’t have been.

I light my candles and incense with this update in gratitude of what I already have.

Thank you for our business.

Thank you for our jobs.

Thank you for the shelter you are providing us.

Thank you for the water and lights that we sometimes take for granted.

Thank you for the food we eat.

Our perfect health and the rich relationships we have.

Thank you for the clothes on our backs.

And the large amounts of income that come to us through various sources, with increasing frequency.

All praise goes to you God.

I am bound to make flops along the way.

I just want to thank you for softening the falls.

Thank you for giving me the courage to fail forward.

Because there is no learning without falling. And I need to learn so I can grow to be my better self.

Continue guiding us through to our better self.

Yours in gratitude,

Amen

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Blaming It On The Full Moon

It was on a night like this. Full moon and all. Think I was waist high. Full-Moon-e1406929374981

Another fight between my parents. Sister too young to notice.

It bled out to the street. I guess the house was too small.

She’s was so Orlando, managing to throw in some licks of her own.

In the background I was hearing a voice, it sounded foreign, of someone reprimanding my dad and my mom.

That’s when I realized it was my voice. So loud, it felt wrong. To be raising my voice like that to my parents?

Mom had sister wrapped around her back with a small blanket.

But what got me was how clear the night was, outside

So clear from the light from the moon. So clear it was as if God had Her stage light on. Just for us.

I too was smacked around as well for obeying my mother when she asked me to follow her with her wanting to leave.

Heck, she was leaving. Taking evening taxi’s my aunt’s place maybe…

Never got to ask.

Mixed emotions.

Happy mom is away. But sad that she’s gone.

I wouldn’t come back if I was her.

But I want her back.

Dad managed to rip my sister from mom’s back.

Was sis’ crying?

Maybe, but this memory is not about her, it’s about me.

Why the fuck am I witnessing this.

It can’t be real.

Was smacked back reality because I endangered myself by being on road and not safe on the pavement.

But it’s not my fault I’m outside so late this evening, dude

But I’ll take it.

I’ve been taking it. For a while now so… whatever.

But why are you doing this in front of my sister?

We’re back home now.

Mom’s not here though so we’re back in the house now.

Awkward silence now.

Sister on his knee trying to quiet her.

Don’t quite down baby.

This is an outrage.

Why you calming down now?

You going to betray me as well?

Wants from with the women in my life?

Women are trash.

What now.

It’s still light out.

Sister be sleeping now.

So it’s time for bed as well.

My heart fuming. Keeping me warm from the cool breeze that was outside.

Feeling hollow.

Playing the blame game. Blame my mother. Blame my father. Blame my sister. And blaming it on the full moon.

~ Musa

When Death, Time & Love Write Back 

I don’t like movies that make me cry.

Watching Collateral Beauty starring Will Smith had me squinting my eyes.

collateral_beautyHolding my tears back with my eyelids.

It’s been a while since I’ve watched a movie like that.

Evoking so much emotions then throwing me out of wack after it was done with me.

It was Mr. Smith’s best performance to date.

Enjoyed listening to the story behind the scenes on how he also experienced loss during the making of the movie.

How he just went all out in giving it all through the film.

Can’t wait until it’s out on Blu-ray.

It’s worth the watch.

Please forgive me.

I’m sorry.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

“You Are Not Alone…”

51Yyzvo-TOL._SX304_BO1,204,203,200_After reading Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad Poor Dad: What The Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not! I decided to quit my government job so I can start making money in the stock market.

It was the dumbest idea I had because I should have already been making money in the market already, before even thinking of letting go of my “secure” job.

At the least making the income from it that exceeded my expenses.

Now that is a good reason to consider dropping the 9 to 5.

So as you might have guessed, the project was a flob.

Leading to me losing my job, leading me asking my mother for lunch money when she went to work in the morning, since I was living with her at the time.

Losing my car, which was still financed by the bank.

Losing my self esteem and confidence.

And I kept saying that I’m ok…but I wasn’t.

I was depressed but I told myself I wasn’t.

With me not eating and if I did eat I wasn’t eating right.

51aAy2A9NiL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_Spending most my time in my room, playstation all day.

I’m not saying Robert Kiyosaki was the cause of my depression, see Rich Dad’s Before You Quit Your Job: 10 Real-Life Lessons Every Entrepreneur Should Know About Building a Multimillion-Dollar Business.

I was in the dumps but I didn’t want to admit that I was.

Something that happens to other people and not me, kinda thing.

Sometimes you are too proud to tell the truth about yourself.

Sometimes an intervention can pull you up and out, so you can try again…better.

Sold my playstation.

Brushed up my CV.

Went out again applying for jobs and getting interviews so to go back in the rat race again, and doing it right this time around.

To try again.

To fail my way to success.

But what I’m trying to put across is that doing something, the mere act of taking action, helped.

Taking action helps.

Just doing…something…anything that will keep your body moving helps.

But I think your faith is the ultimate defining factor.

I like how Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson puts in this 2:36 min video on Facebook.

Even Dr. Norman Vincent Peale said it is his book The Power of Positive Thinking, “Feeling listless, write a list.”81ND4ZcIsxL

So if you are feeling dead inside then get into motion.

Motion creates emotion. – Anthony Robbins

Thank you.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Musa

“Let the dead bury their own dead…”

Just want to extend on my Tumblr that the saying that goes “it gets easier with time,”… I don’t know about that hey.

The sting is still there, but maybe not as loud as before.

It’s like sand running through your hands.

She was alive…

…Then she wasn’t.

Followed by my friend’s father.

Then my work colleague.

Death was on a roll that’s for sure.

I think I don’t want to admit that it does get better with time.

Maybe because feeling the pain is evidence that it was real.

Her being with us, being with me.

But eventually there’s going to come a time when I will question whether this pain makes sense any more.

Or if it’s denying me the joy I could be experiencing right now.

But not right now.

~ Musa

PS: But one day I will. Life is too short to be living in the past.

The Revenant

the-revenant-2015.39576

“A revenant is a visible ghost or animated corpse that was believed to return from the grave to terrorize the living.”

 

There’s this movie trailer with Leonardo and Tom about their upcoming movie “The Revenant” and how it’s based on a true story.

It had me thinking about how each and everyone of us has a story to tell.

Because for all of us, life is happening at the same time.

And those life experiences are experienced on different levels.

How each of us have a pocket of life stories to tell to anyone willing to lend an ear.

With some parts of our lives are more intense that others.

And how us overcoming such extremes can make for a good movie that inspire others.

About how through the countless pounding our bodies, minds and souls can take…WE ARE STILL HERE!

You are your own inspiring, true life story movie.

Remember that.

You are deserving.

You are loved.

You are successful.

You are sexy.

You are important.

You are brave.

You are strong.

You are awesome.

You are unique.

You are powerful.

You are beautiful.

So rise from the grave of negative definitions you have buried your magnificence in, and terrorize the living with your brilliance!

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musawenkosi Tsoaela

Making the Burnout Worth Your While

So I don’t meditate as much.

So I don’t hear that inner voice as clearly as I used to.

Funny how I was closer to my core when I didn’t have to rush to work in the morning.

Sometimes this feeling of “forced” disconnection with my inner self leaves me feeling lost.

Because if I’m not feeling high on love, joy, happiness then there’s something that I’m doing that blocking the natural high I was born with.

Forced disconnection.

Should consider applying for a beach bum position.

It’s either that or I find myself an occupation I love doing.

All work will then be all play.

Making the burnout worth while.

I love you.

Thank you.

~ Musawenkosi Tshoaele