Blaming It On The Full Moon

It was on a night like this. Full moon and all. Think I was waist high. Full-Moon-e1406929374981

Another fight between my parents. Sister too young to notice.

It bled out to the street. I guess the house was too small.

She’s was so Orlando, managing to throw in some licks of her own.

In the background I was hearing a voice, it sounded foreign, of someone reprimanding my dad and my mom.

That’s when I realized it was my voice. So loud, it felt wrong. To be raising my voice like that to my parents?

Mom had sister wrapped around her back with a small blanket.

But what got me was how clear the night was, outside

So clear from the light from the moon. So clear it was as if God had Her stage light on. Just for us.

I too was smacked around as well for obeying my mother when she asked me to follow her with her wanting to leave.

Heck, she was leaving. Taking evening taxi’s my aunt’s place maybe…

Never got to ask.

Mixed emotions.

Happy mom is away. But sad that she’s gone.

I wouldn’t come back if I was her.

But I want her back.

Dad managed to rip my sister from mom’s back.

Was sis’ crying?

Maybe, but this memory is not about her, it’s about me.

Why the fuck am I witnessing this.

It can’t be real.

Was smacked back reality because I endangered myself by being on road and not safe on the pavement.

But it’s not my fault I’m outside so late this evening, dude

But I’ll take it.

I’ve been taking it. For a while now so… whatever.

But why are you doing this in front of my sister?

We’re back home now.

Mom’s not here though so we’re back in the house now.

Awkward silence now.

Sister on his knee trying to quiet her.

Don’t quite down baby.

This is an outrage.

Why you calming down now?

You going to betray me as well?

Wants from with the women in my life?

Women are trash.

What now.

It’s still light out.

Sister be sleeping now.

So it’s time for bed as well.

My heart fuming. Keeping me warm from the cool breeze that was outside.

Feeling hollow.

Playing the blame game. Blame my mother. Blame my father. Blame my sister. And blaming it on the full moon.

~ Musa

When Death, Time & Love Write Back 

I don’t like movies that make me cry.

Watching Collateral Beauty starring Will Smith had me squinting my eyes.

collateral_beautyHolding my tears back with my eyelids.

It’s been a while since I’ve watched a movie like that.

Evoking so much emotions then throwing me out of wack after it was done with me.

It was Mr. Smith’s best performance to date.

Enjoyed listening to the story behind the scenes on how he also experienced loss during the making of the movie.

How he just went all out in giving it all through the film.

Can’t wait until it’s out on Blu-ray.

It’s worth the watch.

Please forgive me.

I’m sorry.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

“You Are Not Alone…”

51Yyzvo-TOL._SX304_BO1,204,203,200_After reading Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad Poor Dad: What The Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not! I decided to quit my government job so I can start making money in the stock market.

It was the dumbest idea I had because I should have already been making money in the market already, before even thinking of letting go of my “secure” job.

At the least making the income from it that exceeded my expenses.

Now that is a good reason to consider dropping the 9 to 5.

So as you might have guessed, the project was a flob.

Leading to me losing my job, leading me asking my mother for lunch money when she went to work in the morning, since I was living with her at the time.

Losing my car, which was still financed by the bank.

Losing my self esteem and confidence.

And I kept saying that I’m ok…but I wasn’t.

I was depressed but I told myself I wasn’t.

With me not eating and if I did eat I wasn’t eating right.

51aAy2A9NiL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_Spending most my time in my room, playstation all day.

I’m not saying Robert Kiyosaki was the cause of my depression, see Rich Dad’s Before You Quit Your Job: 10 Real-Life Lessons Every Entrepreneur Should Know About Building a Multimillion-Dollar Business.

I was in the dumps but I didn’t want to admit that I was.

Something that happens to other people and not me, kinda thing.

Sometimes you are too proud to tell the truth about yourself.

Sometimes an intervention can pull you up and out, so you can try again…better.

Sold my playstation.

Brushed up my CV.

Went out again applying for jobs and getting interviews so to go back in the rat race again, and doing it right this time around.

To try again.

To fail my way to success.

But what I’m trying to put across is that doing something, the mere act of taking action, helped.

Taking action helps.

Just doing…something…anything that will keep your body moving helps.

But I think your faith is the ultimate defining factor.

I like how Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson puts in this 2:36 min video on Facebook.

Even Dr. Norman Vincent Peale said it is his book The Power of Positive Thinking, “Feeling listless, write a list.”81ND4ZcIsxL

So if you are feeling dead inside then get into motion.

Motion creates emotion. – Anthony Robbins

Thank you.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Musa

“Let the dead bury their own dead…”

Just want to extend on my Tumblr that the saying that goes “it gets easier with time,”… I don’t know about that hey.

The sting is still there, but maybe not as loud as before.

It’s like sand running through your hands.

She was alive…

…Then she wasn’t.

Followed by my friend’s father.

Then my work colleague.

Death was on a roll that’s for sure.

I think I don’t want to admit that it does get better with time.

Maybe because feeling the pain is evidence that it was real.

Her being with us, being with me.

But eventually there’s going to come a time when I will question whether this pain makes sense any more.

Or if it’s denying me the joy I could be experiencing right now.

But not right now.

~ Musa

PS: But one day I will. Life is too short to be living in the past.

The Revenant

the-revenant-2015.39576

“A revenant is a visible ghost or animated corpse that was believed to return from the grave to terrorize the living.”

 

There’s this movie trailer with Leonardo and Tom about their upcoming movie “The Revenant” and how it’s based on a true story.

It had me thinking about how each and everyone of us has a story to tell.

Because for all of us, life is happening at the same time.

And those life experiences are experienced on different levels.

How each of us have a pocket of life stories to tell to anyone willing to lend an ear.

With some parts of our lives are more intense that others.

And how us overcoming such extremes can make for a good movie that inspire others.

About how through the countless pounding our bodies, minds and souls can take…WE ARE STILL HERE!

You are your own inspiring, true life story movie.

Remember that.

You are deserving.

You are loved.

You are successful.

You are sexy.

You are important.

You are brave.

You are strong.

You are awesome.

You are unique.

You are powerful.

You are beautiful.

So rise from the grave of negative definitions you have buried your magnificence in, and terrorize the living with your brilliance!

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musawenkosi Tsoaela

Making the Burnout Worth Your While

So I don’t meditate as much.

So I don’t hear that inner voice as clearly as I used to.

Funny how I was closer to my core when I didn’t have to rush to work in the morning.

Sometimes this feeling of “forced” disconnection with my inner self leaves me feeling lost.

Because if I’m not feeling high on love, joy, happiness then there’s something that I’m doing that blocking the natural high I was born with.

Forced disconnection.

Should consider applying for a beach bum position.

It’s either that or I find myself an occupation I love doing.

All work will then be all play.

Making the burnout worth while.

I love you.

Thank you.

~ Musawenkosi Tshoaele

The Importance of Biting Your Tongue

The fear of loss is greater than the need to gain.
Tony Robbins, author of Awaken the Giant Within

Yesterday I bit my tongue while chewing on an orange.

Ever had such sudden and excruciating pain that you felt like the world has come to an end?

Well that’s what came to mind for me anyways when my teeth dug into the side of my tongue.

It’s been a while since I’ve had some good ones so you could imagine the shock of the pleasure of eating one of my favourite fruits combined with the pain of self mutilation 😥

Thankfully I survived and endless streams of blood didn’t gush out of my wound as I thought it would.

It just had me thinking of how pain can be used to change your emotional and physical state.

And how it can also be used as a motivating factor in your life.

It just echoes what I’ve been reading from Anthony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within book of how we are motivated by two emotions: pain or pleasure.

As in the only reason you keep from doing certain things, that might even produce positive results in your life, is because you associate an emotion of pain towards them.

As in you believe you will some how experience pain or some sort of discomfort in you doing it.

And the only reason you keep doing certain things, that might even be giving you negative results in your life, is because you’ve come to associate some sort of pleasure in doing them.

As in you believe that some sort of pleasurable feeling will come from you doing that particular thing.

Anthony’s book is an eye opener for me in a sense that not only can you identify these patterns but you can also change these patterns to suit your needs and specific outcomes.

Because for you to change your results (the effects) you need to first change the source (the cause).

Pain can bring you so much clarity…to a point where you even find yourself blogging about it 🙂

PS. The tongue is healed and ready for some more oranges!! Buhahahahaha!!