The Relapse

When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.

My grip becomes relentless.

I’m a hoarder.

When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.

This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.

Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.

Some people are just to kind to blow me off.

I’m an emotional person.

I’m a very sensual person.

So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.

So I walk around with a scowl on my face.

I’m very unapproachable.

I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.

I’m empathetic.

I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.

This makes me want to make you happy even more.

It becomes like a drug.

I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.

And when I do, I hoard it.

I’m over-sensitive.

When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.

Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.

It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.

I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.

I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.

Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.

I’m a masochist.

My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).

When in truth my services are no longer required.

I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.

It’s like having sex, but with my brain.

A mindfuck.

Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.

The MacGyvers of this world.

The Steven Siegals.

The Chuck Norrises.

The Terminators.

The Never Dies.

Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.

I’m impulsive.

I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.

~ Musa

How Do You Unplug From “The Matrix”?

It’s a Saturday, time to unplug and I need to blog.hqdefault

Well, it was a Saturday when I wrote the 1st draft.

I hope I eventually did through one up before this one.

I didn’t.

Shoot, I’m not sure.

I’ve been busy brooding over being abandoned that I haven’t been noticing much of life.

And what’s important.

Like you, reading this blog. You are important to me.

“We do not exist for ourselves …” – Thomas Merton

Not too sure what that quote means exactly but my guess is that you find your purpose when you look outside of yourself.

The meaning of life or whatever.

I think a lot, I like really overthink stuff and I end up too focused on myself and end up listening to my negative self-talk over and over again like a broken record.

fb_img_14757036410192509622996734996495.jpgSo my game-plan to counter that was to shift my thinking to a positive mindset, so that I can at least see the glass as half full.

Joking around with my mates about how hard life is didn’t help with improving much either.

Life is only as hard as we make it…

Lol!

Which is so much bullshit, because life is just plain hard.

It’s just a matter of finding a way around it, or a work around so that you don’t find yourself being beat all the time.

“When life knocks you down, land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. – Les Brown”

My self-medication, well my constructive one anyways, includes blogging about stuff I really want to believe.

Shit that doesn’t have me wanting to drown my sorrows all the time as an antidepressant or craving for sex so I can jump start my dopamine fix.

Finding a corner to curl up in the fetal position so I can cry my worries away has not done much to improve my life either.

I think I’m just angry and I’m projecting instead of seeking counselling.

Sense 8 was right when they said violence has a gender.

Even if in my case it’s internalized.

Musa the masochist.

Double M.

The pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain cycle I trap myself in.

A cycle I call my life.

A cycle I manage to break free from by writing blogs like these.

For you.

Because you save my life, you see…

…and I love you for that.

Because I’m an emotional Cancerian that likes to hoard nice things.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

I See You.

I’m pissed off.3833921-7044494301-19707

I’m hurt.

I haven’t been writing much because I haven’t been having the best 6 months so far.

Yes, it’s only month 4 of the new year.

I still had baggage been carried from last year. So the updates I’ve been writing felt forced.

I’m not the only one having it rough, reading what Thandeka wrote is proof of that.

My saving grace has been going back to reading the Bible app I keep deleting and reinstalling on my phone.

I think when you are too much in your head, you end up thinking you’re the only one having it tough.

So I’ve been on the move.

Literally moving from a bigger space to a smaller.

Taking long walks when I’m home.

Leaving an energy sucking job of 5 years for sales gig…I now see why getting a sales job was so easy…they always hiring because people quit.

It’s scary thought, slowly down.

Standing still.

To think.

To pause and listen.

I think I’ll break down.

Maybe that’s what I need.

Not sure if I’ll ever stop if I start…

…I’m not church person.

I went because whenever I went to visit my cousin’s, and they went.

Silently wishing that on that particular Sunday something needed to happen, to prevent us from going.

God found a way to scroll past that prayer though.

Because God has Facebook.

I did it for others, going to church. I was not internally drown to it.

The choir events, when church choirs from other churches come together to sign church songs, were dope.

Everything else lacked integrity.

The only organisation I experienced which had integrity of the highest level was Network 21.

Anywhere else was just filled with hypocrisy.

The Bible has been edited too many times for it to be taken as gospel.

It’s guidance.

Making sure you are on the right path.

Your north star.

But some church brothers and sister, even in other church, see it as gospel.

I don’t believe in church.

I don’t think I ever did.

I believe in God though.

The God of my understanding.

The one Phetheni still has a copy of…yes mama ngi sase lapho.

So I have been reading through the verses and highlighting passages that I want to contest or interpret better or relate better to.

Finding what I can apply that day, since I started a morning routine of reading a chapter in the morning.

Tom Bilyeu recommended I have a routine, and he’s the truth.

I feel better now.

Thank you.

~ Musa

 

 

 

God Answers…

Looking over my blog for inspiration.

Wanted to write about something fresh.

Life experiences work best.

I then remembered that I have been affirming BS over the past few days.

Finished reading my book.

So I’m left with my own thinking, with no forward thinking concepts to rival them.

So I resorted to what I had already with me.

Prayer.

Positive affirmation to the Invisible Supply to give me strength & the courage to free me from the quicksand I have thrown myself in.

Created by the negative thinking I have been over thinking.

And God answered.

Not in the bush-on-fire kind of way.

She usually more subtle than that.

To me anyways.

Something I have forgetten with all the attention I have giving the outside world.

With me having my hand been bitten from over extending my compassion to others, but giving none to myself.

Through those silent, emo prayers I was repeating to myself manifested a call from my guardian angel, in the form of a coworker.

Someone I draw strength from because she’s such a freaking inspiration.

She managed to do settle all her debts.

No matter how painful it was, with her having to sacfrice her looks for a brighter financial future.

She also managed to raise her standards.

Asking more from herself because of how much value she now sees in herself.

S*** like that, makes people frkn beautiful.

I live for moments like those.

Spending time with people who are were I want to be or aspiring to reach that level.

She came to fetch my ass for a much needed free lift to work & back in her new car.

Wow.

She never seems to disappoint.

Coming from a dark past to be excelling the way she is, makes me feel like a whimp for complaining as much as I am.

It lifted my spirit.

I needed that.

What I’m trying to say is that She answers in a various, unexpected ways that we miss.

Billboard sign.

Song lyrics heard over the radio.

Meme.

Statements said in passing.

She doesn’t shout from the rooftops.

God answers in whisphers.

~ Musa

Just Peachy….

I was on Facebook with it’s FB memories reminders.

That seems to be the only thing I update on Facebook, come to think of it.

Meaning next year I will be reminded about the memories FB reminded me of today.

Nothing new under the sun.

Went emo couple of days back with the blog I published.

That day sucked, but I’ve had worse.

The morning sex usually helps with improving my mood.

But my partner in crime was not available for the joint venture so I turned to food. I was out of beer.

Self gratification gives me minimal pleasure. Not as satisfying as the excitement I get in conquering the female body into orgasm…I digress.

So I took baby girl to daycare in the morning.

Did the dishes.

Took a nap.

Bathed and headed for work.

I took the time I spent offline focusing on what’s going right, even though the world is on fire around me.

Reminds me of that hell scene when John Constantine went for a quick peek in that Constantine movie.

Things could be better, yes, but bitching about them won’t change them much.

Sometimes the discomfort you are experiencing now is nudging you forward, not backward.

Busy praying for deliverance from your current unhappiness but you’re not happy with the process it takes for your prayer to be answered.

S*** will always hit the fan. Even more so when change is coming.

Think it’s a matter of riding it out. But to always keep your eyes on the price.

That’s why goals are important.

Without them, what’s the point of living?

~ Musa

“Dead Or Alive, You Are Coming With Me.”

loopable-ekg-line-ekg-monitor-ekg-machine-heart-health-blue-ecg-monitor-shows-healthy-heart-beat-seamless-loop_sfw_cr5e__F0002

Been having a lot of pent up anger of late.

It compounds.

Lack of sleep.

Haven’t been reading a good book for almost a week now.

Missing out on my daily meditations.

Haven’t been rewriting my goals.

Not been listening to motivational audios.

Skipping motivational & educational videos.

It’s been months since I’ve been visualizing my success.

I haven’t been exercising as much as I did.

Been poorly taking my vitamins and supplements.

All things happening daily, gradually, to a point where I feel exhausted physically and mentally.

Dropping my emotional intelligence.

I’m in the business of where losing your cool would cost you your job.

That love and hate relationship of being concerned of losing the job you hate.

Where now I incorrectly blame others for my lack of self mastery.

You attract what you are.

Happiness is an inside job.

Won’t happen overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.

The rest is just consistency on your part.

Change begins when you take 100% responsibility of what’s happening around you.

To you.

Through you.

~ Musa

F*** Your Weaknesses, Focus On Your Strengths

woman-lifting-dumbbellsLife teaches you lessons.

Lessons it will keep on teaching until they are learnt.

Sometimes these lessons come in the form of painful experiences.

These painful experiences keep repeating themselves in the form of problems.

Once you solve them then you’re on to the next.

A life of problems.

A life of challenges that need to be overcome.

So in actuality one can’t really be comfortable.

Because living a successful life you would need to be overcoming challenges that brings you closer to the things you want.

Taking breaks are a must but procrastinating won’t get you much.

More of the same really.

Spending the majority of my day, doing something that does not inspire me, only to get paid just enough to meet my monthly expenses…

No wonder they call it a dead-end job.

There something that John Maxwell wrote about not working on your weaknesses.

Referring to your skill set.

I was like, “What??”

I love the way he broke it down for me.

Your strengths make you unique. They make you, YOU.

All that other garbage needs to be left in the wind…Ohk I am paraphrasing.

What I am getting at is: spend the most of your days doing things that you love.

Life is too short to be doing things you hate.

Escaping the jail of your 9-5, to do what you love, needs work.

Something to do alongside your work.

Your side hustle.

Your side hustle is your get-out-of-jail-free card.

But that’s a blog for another day.

You need to love your life’s work, I’m just saying.

~ Musa