I See You.

I’m pissed off.3833921-7044494301-19707

I’m hurt.

I haven’t been writing much because I haven’t been having the best 6 months so far.

Yes, it’s only month 4 of the new year.

I still had baggage been carried from last year. So the updates I’ve been writing felt forced.

I’m not the only one having it rough, reading what Thandeka wrote is proof of that.

My saving grace has been going back to reading the Bible app I keep deleting and reinstalling on my phone.

I think when you are too much in your head, you end up thinking you’re the only one having it tough.

So I’ve been on the move.

Literally moving from a bigger space to a smaller.

Taking long walks when I’m home.

Leaving an energy sucking job of 5 years for sales gig…I now see why getting a sales job was so easy…they always hiring because people quit.

It’s scary thought, slowly down.

Standing still.

To think.

To pause and listen.

I think I’ll break down.

Maybe that’s what I need.

Not sure if I’ll ever stop if I start…

…I’m not church person.

I went because whenever I went to visit my cousin’s, and they went.

Silently wishing that on that particular Sunday something needed to happen, to prevent us from going.

God found a way to scroll past that prayer though.

Because God has Facebook.

I did it for others, going to church. I was not internally drown to it.

The choir events, when church choirs from other churches come together to sign church songs, were dope.

Everything else lacked integrity.

The only organisation I experienced which had integrity of the highest level was Network 21.

Anywhere else was just filled with hypocrisy.

The Bible has been edited too many times for it to be taken as gospel.

It’s guidance.

Making sure you are on the right path.

Your north star.

But some church brothers and sister, even in other church, see it as gospel.

I don’t believe in church.

I don’t think I ever did.

I believe in God though.

The God of my understanding.

The one Phetheni still has a copy of…yes mama ngi sase lapho.

So I have been reading through the verses and highlighting passages that I want to contest or interpret better or relate better to.

Finding what I can apply that day, since I started a morning routine of reading a chapter in the morning.

Tom Bilyeu recommended I have a routine, and he’s the truth.

I feel better now.

Thank you.

~ Musa

 

 

 

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God Answers…

Looking over my blog for inspiration.

Wanted to write about something fresh.

Life experiences work best.

I then remembered that I have been affirming BS over the past few days.

Finished reading my book.

So I’m left with my own thinking, with no forward thinking concepts to rival them.

So I resorted to what I had already with me.

Prayer.

Positive affirmation to the Invisible Supply to give me strength & the courage to free me from the quicksand I have thrown myself in.

Created by the negative thinking I have been over thinking.

And God answered.

Not in the bush-on-fire kind of way.

She usually more subtle than that.

To me anyways.

Something I have forgetten with all the attention I have giving the outside world.

With me having my hand been bitten from over extending my compassion to others, but giving none to myself.

Through those silent, emo prayers I was repeating to myself manifested a call from my guardian angel, in the form of a coworker.

Someone I draw strength from because she’s such a freaking inspiration.

She managed to do settle all her debts.

No matter how painful it was, with her having to sacfrice her looks for a brighter financial future.

She also managed to raise her standards.

Asking more from herself because of how much value she now sees in herself.

S*** like that, makes people frkn beautiful.

I live for moments like those.

Spending time with people who are were I want to be or aspiring to reach that level.

She came to fetch my ass for a much needed free lift to work & back in her new car.

Wow.

She never seems to disappoint.

Coming from a dark past to be excelling the way she is, makes me feel like a whimp for complaining as much as I am.

It lifted my spirit.

I needed that.

What I’m trying to say is that She answers in a various, unexpected ways that we miss.

Billboard sign.

Song lyrics heard over the radio.

Meme.

Statements said in passing.

She doesn’t shout from the rooftops.

God answers in whisphers.

~ Musa

Just Peachy….

I was on Facebook with it’s FB memories reminders.

That seems to be the only thing I update on Facebook, come to think of it.

Meaning next year I will be reminded about the memories FB reminded me of today.

Nothing new under the sun.

Went emo couple of days back with the blog I published.

That day sucked, but I’ve had worse.

The morning sex usually helps with improving my mood.

But my partner in crime was not available for the joint venture so I turned to food. I was out of beer.

Self gratification gives me minimal pleasure. Not as satisfying as the excitement I get in conquering the female body into orgasm…I digress.

So I took baby girl to daycare in the morning.

Did the dishes.

Took a nap.

Bathed and headed for work.

I took the time I spent offline focusing on what’s going right, even though the world is on fire around me.

Reminds me of that hell scene when John Constantine went for a quick peek in that Constantine movie.

Things could be better, yes, but bitching about them won’t change them much.

Sometimes the discomfort you are experiencing now is nudging you forward, not backward.

Busy praying for deliverance from your current unhappiness but you’re not happy with the process it takes for your prayer to be answered.

S*** will always hit the fan. Even more so when change is coming.

Think it’s a matter of riding it out. But to always keep your eyes on the price.

That’s why goals are important.

Without them, what’s the point of living?

~ Musa

“Dead Or Alive, You Are Coming With Me.”

loopable-ekg-line-ekg-monitor-ekg-machine-heart-health-blue-ecg-monitor-shows-healthy-heart-beat-seamless-loop_sfw_cr5e__F0002

Been having a lot of pent up anger of late.

It compounds.

Lack of sleep.

Haven’t been reading a good book for almost a week now.

Missing out on my daily meditations.

Haven’t been rewriting my goals.

Not been listening to motivational audios.

Skipping motivational & educational videos.

It’s been months since I’ve been visualizing my success.

I haven’t been exercising as much as I did.

Been poorly taking my vitamins and supplements.

All things happening daily, gradually, to a point where I feel exhausted physically and mentally.

Dropping my emotional intelligence.

I’m in the business of where losing your cool would cost you your job.

That love and hate relationship of being concerned of losing the job you hate.

Where now I incorrectly blame others for my lack of self mastery.

You attract what you are.

Happiness is an inside job.

Won’t happen overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.

The rest is just consistency on your part.

Change begins when you take 100% responsibility of what’s happening around you.

To you.

Through you.

~ Musa

F*** Your Weaknesses, Focus On Your Strengths

woman-lifting-dumbbellsLife teaches you lessons.

Lessons it will keep on teaching until they are learnt.

Sometimes these lessons come in the form of painful experiences.

These painful experiences keep repeating themselves in the form of problems.

Once you solve them then you’re on to the next.

A life of problems.

A life of challenges that need to be overcome.

So in actuality one can’t really be comfortable.

Because living a successful life you would need to be overcoming challenges that brings you closer to the things you want.

Taking breaks are a must but procrastinating won’t get you much.

More of the same really.

Spending the majority of my day, doing something that does not inspire me, only to get paid just enough to meet my monthly expenses…

No wonder they call it a dead-end job.

There something that John Maxwell wrote about not working on your weaknesses.

Referring to your skill set.

I was like, “What??”

I love the way he broke it down for me.

Your strengths make you unique. They make you, YOU.

All that other garbage needs to be left in the wind…Ohk I am paraphrasing.

What I am getting at is: spend the most of your days doing things that you love.

Life is too short to be doing things you hate.

Escaping the jail of your 9-5, to do what you love, needs work.

Something to do alongside your work.

Your side hustle.

Your side hustle is your get-out-of-jail-free card.

But that’s a blog for another day.

You need to love your life’s work, I’m just saying.

~ Musa

The Fixer

B33rFzqCYAIREuFSometimes when the road ahead looks very dark, anxiety levels go up.

That’s when I come to you God to help shed some light.

But if the road I’m taking vele has no street lights then I’m relieved knowing that you are by my side.

I’m taking this knee with this post because I’m also in dire need so my ancestors need to be also involved in this prayer.

Because without them I would be here, and without You they wouldn’t have been.

I light my candles and incense with this update in gratitude of what I already have.

Thank you for our business.

Thank you for our jobs.

Thank you for the shelter you are providing us.

Thank you for the water and lights that we sometimes take for granted.

Thank you for the food we eat.

Our perfect health and the rich relationships we have.

Thank you for the clothes on our backs.

And the large amounts of income that come to us through various sources, with increasing frequency.

All praise goes to you God.

I am bound to make flops along the way.

I just want to thank you for softening the falls.

Thank you for giving me the courage to fail forward.

Because there is no learning without falling. And I need to learn so I can grow to be my better self.

Continue guiding us through to our better self.

Yours in gratitude,

Amen

Blaming It On The Full Moon

It was on a night like this. Full moon and all. Think I was waist high. Full-Moon-e1406929374981

Another fight between my parents. Sister too young to notice.

It bled out to the street. I guess the house was too small.

She’s was so Orlando, managing to throw in some licks of her own.

In the background I was hearing a voice, it sounded foreign, of someone reprimanding my dad and my mom.

That’s when I realized it was my voice. So loud, it felt wrong. To be raising my voice like that to my parents?

Mom had sister wrapped around her back with a small blanket.

But what got me was how clear the night was, outside

So clear from the light from the moon. So clear it was as if God had Her stage light on. Just for us.

I too was smacked around as well for obeying my mother when she asked me to follow her with her wanting to leave.

Heck, she was leaving. Taking evening taxi’s my aunt’s place maybe…

Never got to ask.

Mixed emotions.

Happy mom is away. But sad that she’s gone.

I wouldn’t come back if I was her.

But I want her back.

Dad managed to rip my sister from mom’s back.

Was sis’ crying?

Maybe, but this memory is not about her, it’s about me.

Why the fuck am I witnessing this.

It can’t be real.

Was smacked back reality because I endangered myself by being on road and not safe on the pavement.

But it’s not my fault I’m outside so late this evening, dude

But I’ll take it.

I’ve been taking it. For a while now so… whatever.

But why are you doing this in front of my sister?

We’re back home now.

Mom’s not here though so we’re back in the house now.

Awkward silence now.

Sister on his knee trying to quiet her.

Don’t quite down baby.

This is an outrage.

Why you calming down now?

You going to betray me as well?

Wants from with the women in my life?

Women are trash.

What now.

It’s still light out.

Sister be sleeping now.

So it’s time for bed as well.

My heart fuming. Keeping me warm from the cool breeze that was outside.

Feeling hollow.

Playing the blame game. Blame my mother. Blame my father. Blame my sister. And blaming it on the full moon.

~ Musa