Eyes Tell No Lies…Until They Do…

IMG-20191214-WA0020I sent a buddy of mine, a graduate mind you (because I hang around professionals), a recent photo of myself at office.

The air-con was on so I needed to put on my “Eskimo jacket.”

I looked so tired in it.

Well, my eyes looked tired.

My eyes used to radiate excitement and fun and joy and laughter, passion even.

I see those eyes in my older pics.

That fire in my eyes has slowly dimmed.

My supervisor in the short-term insurance telemarketing job I had in Randburg, mentioned how I smiled with my eyes.

I think my eyes I tired of telling lines, and are just reflecting what I feel in my heart.

Sadness.

What’s making you sad?”

I don’t know.

Or maybe I do and I just don’t want to admit it.

Admitting it will free me from this sadness that now feels so warm.

Pain addict.

A colleague said that’s a toxic way of living.

I’ll be way from work for the next 6 days, I hope that I will find ways of getting my shit in order.

Or I should maybe consult with one of these professionals I’ve been bragging about.

I’ve been reading Breaking the Habit of Being YourselfHow to Love Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. Joe Dipenza.

This book is striking almost every nerve I have in relation to my current head space. It’s a difficult read because I need the information that’s coming across from it.

Maybe once I’m done, my eyes won’t look as tired as my heart is.

~ Musa

One Thing I Learned From A POW…on Netflix

There’s this line I heard watching a Netflix series.

It only had one season.

I like those.ACposter

Sequels tend to lose the plot.

Unless it’s unpredictable, that’s when shit gets real.

By the time I come back and edit this I would have found the name of it.

It spoke about minding your focus.

Understanding what you are going through.

Then learning to use your pain to move you into a place of control.

In life, you can only control your actions.

Anything beyond your control is not worth losing sleep over.

Ok, I did come back and edit, it’s from Altered Carbon.

~ Musa

The Relapse

When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.

My grip becomes relentless.

I’m a hoarder.

When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.

This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.

Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.

Some people are just to kind to blow me off.

I’m an emotional person.

I’m a very sensual person.

So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.

So I walk around with a scowl on my face.

I’m very unapproachable.

I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.

I’m empathetic.

I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.

This makes me want to make you happy even more.

It becomes like a drug.

I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.

And when I do, I hoard it.

I’m over-sensitive.

When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.

Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.

It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.

I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.

I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.

Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.

I’m a masochist.

My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).

When in truth my services are no longer required.

I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.

It’s like having sex, but with my brain.

A mindfuck.

Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.

The MacGyvers of this world.

The Steven Siegals.

The Chuck Norrises.

The Terminators.

The Never Dies.

Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.

I’m impulsive.

I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.

~ Musa

There’s No Exit Strategy

For the longest of time I’ve been dreaming of an exit strategy.

As in, I will reach a certain point in my life where I will sit back and relax.

Doing nothing that will make me reach a higher level of living.

Where I would be satisfied with my lot.

Where I would have “peace.”

But that bubble was burst when John Maxwell said something in an interview he did with Ed Mylett.

It’s one of the things I fight about with my wife to be.

I’m not proud of it.

She always sees us progressing and wanting more for the family.

I’m of the belief that we should live below our means, and expand our means.

But this is a form of procrastination she feels.

Standing still defies nature.

Nature is always moving, growing, developing and changing.

The peace I’m referring to can only be achieved through death.

And even then my body will decay and rot until I’m all clothes and bones.

There is no threshold that I would reach.

Were I could hold on to my success for the rest of my life.

Life won’t allow me to because things are forever changing.

Nothing stays the same.

I always pride myself for going with the trend of universal laws.

But I now realize that I’ve been sabotaging myself.

Shooting myself in the foot.

Life has been challenging lately because I’ve been going against “the flow.”

There’s fun to be had in progress.

There’s fun to be had in process.

I need to remember that.

And to apologize to the wife.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

How Will Failure Overtake You?

It has come to my experience that when you are working towards your goals, don’t stop your grind just because you see an inkling of your efforts bearing fruit.

You stand the chance of losing your momentum.

And having momentum is one of the key factors that add to your success.

Keeping in mind that for you to gain momentum, you would have to be doing something consistently, for a long period of time.

Consistent action towards a particular goal will, eventually, produce results.

That means you need to start first by having a goal to work towards.

I just reversed engineered the process for you.

Just don’t start celebrating too early.

Counting chickens before the hatch?

Nothing is more self defeating than to have success elude you because you saw promising results. That makes you take your foot off the paddle.

If it’s not in black and white, then it’s only smoke.

Keep grinding.

Keep sowing.

Only when you have success in your hands, is it true success.

Not before then, not really.

I think we get tired of the process.

The struggle of success as Napoleon Hill puts it.

Stay in the process.

Let the process mold you into the person you need to become…so you can attract the things you want.

You need to be an attractive person.

And the process is what’s going to make you this attractive person.

The burn, the struggle, the process will make you easier to mold.

I think that’s where phrases like staying out of the kitchen, if you can’t take the heat comes from.

Failure will overtake you right at the finish line if you celebrate too early.

~ Musa

Your Growth Is Limited By Your Environment

My latest favorite content marketing guy said I should document my life regularly.

So here I am, doing just that.

Imitate successful people long enough and you too will be successful.

Long enough and consistently enough.

So there was something a friend of mine wrote…

… I can’t say we’re friends, I mean I never met the guy but I do enjoy his tweets.

Anyways, the guy wasn’t feeling well, I mean we are human, and he posted how he had a bad feeling about today.

This was something which was out of character of him.

But then again, like the rest of us, he spends like 2% of his life on social media so what do I know.

Nonetherless we are what we think.

As a man thinketh, so shall he be.

So I politely asked he stop with his sh** and focus on willing the day into a great one.

But I did that mostly for selfish reasons.

I can’t be scrolling through my Twitter timeline with such negativity.

Like, I’m the most negative person I know.

That’s why I need this blog, YouTube videos, and other motivational just to make it through the day.

So I need those I follow to inspire me with every swipe on my phone.

To surround myself with positive shandis that will outweigh the negative, so that I can attract more people and things to be grateful for.

I think that’s why I’ve unfriended so many on Facebook and unfollowed on IG and Twitter.

Be picky about the people or things you expose your mind to. They unconsciously affect the life you live and the things you have in your life.

~ Musa

“Dead Or Alive, You Are Coming With Me.”

loopable-ekg-line-ekg-monitor-ekg-machine-heart-health-blue-ecg-monitor-shows-healthy-heart-beat-seamless-loop_sfw_cr5e__F0002

Been having a lot of pent up anger of late.

It compounds.

Lack of sleep.

Haven’t been reading a good book for almost a week now.

Missing out on my daily meditations.

Haven’t been rewriting my goals.

Not been listening to motivational audios.

Skipping motivational & educational videos.

It’s been months since I’ve been visualizing my success.

I haven’t been exercising as much as I did.

Been poorly taking my vitamins and supplements.

All things happening daily, gradually, to a point where I feel exhausted physically and mentally.

Dropping my emotional intelligence.

I’m in the business of where losing your cool would cost you your job.

That love and hate relationship of being concerned of losing the job you hate.

Where now I incorrectly blame others for my lack of self mastery.

You attract what you are.

Happiness is an inside job.

Won’t happen overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.

The rest is just consistency on your part.

Change begins when you take 100% responsibility of what’s happening around you.

To you.

Through you.

~ Musa