Shit Left Unsaid

It gets quite.

And in that silence, when my thoughts are not occupied by something, my thoughts drift.

Like a 1 ply toilet paper, that shit floats and travels and drifts and lands.

And rests.

On things it shouldn’t.

Empty things that don’t have value because they don’t value you back.

An unspoken agreement between the two of us.

An agreement I keep breaking because I see the value.

Which contradicts my values.

As I play make-believe and have imaginary conversations in my head, with a ghost.

Haunting me like Toby…but shorter.

~ Musa

It Was That Fucken Forehead of Yours

Did You Know:
Hydrocephalus – Also called: water on the brain
A build-up of fluid in the cavities deep within the brain.
 
The extra fluid puts pressure on the brain and can cause brain damage.
It’s most common in infants and older adults.
 
Hydrocephalus is characterised by head enlargement in infants.
 
Adults and older children experience headache, impaired vision, cognitive difficulties, loss of coordination and incontinence.
 
Treatment is often a tube (shunt) inserted surgically into a ventricle to drain excess fluid.

***

Maybe a week.

Or a couple of days without speaking.

But never more than a month.

Shit doesn’t feel normal.

I think I’m losing my mind.

Fuck.

But she was in tears.

She saw how withdrawn I’ve become.

I blamed her but honestly, I was to blame.

It had nothing to do with her, I was just thinking about myself.

Because I’m greedy.

But it felt good, what was I supposed to do.

It went from 0 to 100 quick.

That shit took off like a runaway slave.Siwa.jpg

And then, and then she asked, “are you going to call me back again right?”

“Like Fuck yeah!”

That’s what I really wanted to say.

But I ended up saying,

“I’ll try.”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll think about it.”

And she would reply, “Okay then, so I’ll hear from you soon then. Bye.”

I fucken hated falling for her.

…I can see why he married you.

~ Musa

Taking Control Can Be Scary Sometimes…

It’s my day off.

And guess what am I doing?

I just powered up my work laptop, and started going over my work emails.

My mind wanders to places and people I shouldn’t be wandering towards, whenever I’m idle.

Even though I miss them, terribly.

I always used to wonder how cool it would be working from home.

I should have been more specific in my wonder because I got what I wanted but at a cost.sethu

Not to mention the change of lifestyle my daughter has to endure, with all these restrictions in movement and not being able to go to nursery school.

And now with me answering customer calls and, now recently, managing the customer inbox, while accommodating her autistic and ADHD mannerisms – over and above this pandemic, is doing a number on me.

The hammer on the nail was when I received that “pink envelope,” – that pink email in my case.

The company will not be extending my contract after the 31st of May 2020.

20″plague” it should be called.

 

In life, there’s a lot of things that are beyond your control.

The trick is not focusing on what is beyond your control, but focusing on what is.

My life lately has been me focusing on that. Shit I can’t control.

I’ve heard this before, and I’ve also mentioned this before, that life is more manageable when you grab hold of things you can control.

Control is an illusion, but an illusion that gives life purpose, I think.

So what can I do now, to help put myself in a better position in the future?

Hebrews 12:11

Those are the questions I should be asking.

Self-empowering questions, and not self-defeating questions.

~ Musa

Lost Without You

DtB7n6dU4AA-31OSome days are better than others.

While some are just hard.

Especially when you have someone looking over your shoulder like a vulture.

And now, one has to act like they never knew you.

Can’t even ask about your kids and how they are doing.

How you’re holding up.

How you are managing your stress levels.

How much I miss you.

There was order in loving you.

I can’t even trust those around me now, especially after the stunt they pulled.

Going over my personal things behind my back.

I’m still not over that.

I tried jerking it off.

Even the wine is down to its last drop, with me trying to disregard and move on.

I can’t move, I can’t breath without you.

I really hope that the edges where we were torn from each other harden and grow scabs, so that if we ever meet again it would make contacting like we did before harder.

I don’t think I would be able to let go like this the second time around.

Life is not the same without you.

Life will never be the same with you.

But even you were here, you were my illusion.

You were never here to begin with.

And I loved the way you lied.

To stay sane, I need to live in that dream.

Now…well now I guess I need to toughen it out.

But that’s the thing with Freedom.

Like the title of Jocko Willink‘s book says: Discipline Equals Freedom.

Happy Freedom Day.

~ Musa

 

It’s All In Your Head

I want to write.

You know I want to write.

More upbeat posts, and less sex posts or doom and gloom updates.

But, things have been dark.

Midlife crisis maybe.

Like the sanction I got at my new job.

I spent more than 4 years without one in my previous job, but I successfully got one here within less than a year.

I’m a perfectionist and I like all my ducks in a row.

I don’t want anything to spoil my name.

But small things I shouldn’t be doing bled over to my job and the managers here had no choice but to slap my wrist.

I looked in the mirror today, while in the restroom at work.

My eyes look glassy like they are barely holding on to something that needs to come out.

I’m so tired, and it shows through my eyes.

Sometimes it spills over and I feel like I’m erupting.

Tight chest and quick, rapid breathing. Panic attacks.

What scares the shit out of me is that I end up projecting, like I did to a customer.

I’m so angry all the time.main-qimg-59894c003f9760fcafa25401e84e5750

Holy shit, it’s unlike me.

It made me think about control.

How control is an illusion.

And that is what’s making us crazy.

When things go “out of control” when they always were, out of control that is.

There is no control, only chaos.

And we need to make the most of it, with goals and time and feelings.

We need to be at our best behaviors, you see.

You don’t want to be on the naughty list, see?

I saw a wound on my face.

I don’t have one.

But the weight of life is dragging my face down with it.

Dramatic right?

I think I need to get out of my head for some time.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank You.

~ Musa

This Is Not A Movie Folks…

I have 6 drafts.

Can you believe it?

I guess now that our President finally announced that we are going to have a lockdown here in South Africa, it should give me more than enough reasons to write something, yes?

The less people are out there, the better.

It’s a mindset change though.

Expecting most people to abide by it immediately is a tall ask.

But a necessary one, thanks to technology, you don’t need to look far to see how this virus is affecting the world.

Some don’t give AF though.

Even after the announcement of our first reported deaths due to complications with the corona virus.

This is the same “I don’t care” attitude that has Italy in the state it’s recovering from, according to some of the interviews conducted there.

Asking, no, commanding people to change their way of life right of the bat, one should expect resistance.

Even the SANDF is getting involved:

 

It’s a sliding scale.

The more days that go by the higher the cases of those infected.

This will lead to more reported deaths. south-african-army

It makes me even wonder if 21 days would be enough…

It’s going to get worse, before it gets better.

But it will get better.

Some of my fellow South Africans are not willing to take the hit now so that they can avoid it later.

I guess people are like that in general.

God bless SA.

Stay safe.

Eat immune boosting food and supplements and vitamins.

If possible stock up on some honey and ginger.

Have some lemon sliced dipped in your hot cup of water and take careful sips.

Take care of your hygiene and of those around you.

Exercise at home.

Meditate.

This too shall pass.

~ Musa

Are Your Among The Undead?

withGod needs praising.

I know this sounds weird from someone who has one foot in and one foot out when it comes to Christianity.

Actually it’s not God I have beef with but Christianity.

Most see them as one in the same.

But I always like to be clear that you can have one without the other, especially when it comes to what you define God as.

Something I felt throughout my jaded teachings in church.

An understanding I needed clarity on that I found in “Conversations with God.”

Thank you Nombali Ntuli for the recommended read.

It is with God that All things are possible.

Growing with understanding of what God really is, I feel, is a personal growth that you can share with others.

But it shouldn’t be gospel.

Although, I believe church is necessary.

The endless metaphors – open to a variety of interpretation – that become doctrine, are sprinkled throughout the Bible.

Hence the various churches we have.

Variety is good.

It’s good because Tony says it’s good.

Tony likes Conor.

I don’t like Conor.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know his story.

I know Tony’s story though.

So Conor is good people then.

It hit me this morning how acknowledging the existence of a source, the original source of everything, gives you power.

I call it God.

Some call it Energy.

Some call it the Universe.

It’s All this and so much more.

That continued acknowledgment of this All and how you are a physical extension of the non-physical, which is bigger than you.

Since it exists in everything that exists.

Sometimes we carry these “crosses” on our shoulders, believing we are in this alone.

In this “adulting” thing or period of challenge or discomfort alone.

This misconception makes this life experience we are having a tough experience, for some.

But I’m sure you don’t fall in that category.

The unlimited strength that comes from praising and being in a state of genuine gratitude of God, reignites your enthusiasm.

hqdefaultThe flavor of life becomes lost if all you do is just ploughing along, day in and day out, “zombifies” you.

You become linear.

The undead.

Because you “have” to do it and not because you love to do it.

You need to wake up for the love and not for the obligation.

Things are done half-heartedly when you have to do them, but people go above and beyond when people do what they love.

It’s a fire and brimstone journey going for what you love.

You need to keep going though.

You need to go through it.

The ridicule.

The humiliation.

The stoning.

The process.

For you to be born anew.

Something your old self needs to die for.

Like that other guy did on the cross?god

He did it.

Died for what he believed in.

A life of purpose.

I think we need of that in our lives.

A life of purpose, as opposed to a life of routine.

Purpose is life.

Routine is death.

~ Musa

PS: Compliments of the New Season

Start Attacking What You Fear

There’s something wrong with Stephen King.

I love his books and movie adaptations.

The guy is just loco.

I’m rewatching IT.

Freaking scary stuff.

I want to watch the sequel, because it has that guy from Wanted or was it Split, I think it was X-Men (James McAvoy).

I don’t like scary movies, I don’t like the hold they have over me.

So that’s why I would watch one.

I don’t like being intimidated.

I need to attack my fears. Batman_Begins_Fear_Gas

Because Will Smith said so.

He said he attacked what he feared.

Will Smith used to make dope movies…but now…I don’t know man. It makes me sad.

But he makes great YouTube videos though.

At least there’s that.

~ Musa

“The Older You Get, The More Quiet You Become.”

Silence of the LambsI was thinking to myself the other day that when you live long enough, you end up being a hypocrite.

You end up contradicting yourself.

I’ve been seeing this from those Facebook memories feature I have on my FB page.

What I thought or believed in before, is not what I believe in now.

Truth is ever changing.

That’s why the Truth will forever be constant.

Because at its core the Truth is ever changing, making it valid at that point in time.

For it, Truth, to only change moments later.

So what you thought was true when you were single, is not so true when you are married, for example.

This makes it very difficult for me to criticize people based on their status updates on social media.

Especially when I really, really want to make a 2 cent comment.

A 2 cent comment that usually contradicts all the positive things I keep publishing here.

Only for me to find myself in the same situation in life somewhere down the line.

Life will humble you.

I don’t believe you should be gullible to the extent that you accept everything.

But have an open mind.

“The mind is like a parachute… It only works if we keep it open.”

~ Musa

Looks Can Be Deceiving

Life is not static.What-can-you-see-in-this-optical-illusion-723919

You can’t stand still in your pain, and think that life will do the same.

Comforting you, standing next to you saying: “there, there, everything is going to be okay.”

Life goes on.

Leaving your crying ass behind.

And here I was thinking me and life were tight.

You need to learn to move with life, instead of wanting it to wait for you to finish hurting.

That’s where the healing is.

In movement.

Standing still just magnifies the pain.

The pain that doesn’t get better but gets more tolerable.

The shit never gets completely goes away.

It’s the rhythm of life, nothing is static.

Even if it looks like it is.

~ Musa