Turbulence

Nkulunkulu wami, why is it that lapho engithi ngibamba khona, kuvese kunga bambeki?

Or are you teaching me not to be comfortable.

Because being comfortable means angiyi phambili nge lewe?

Ngiyazama,

Mdala,

Mara uma ngithi ngibheka phambili, kule ndlela engi vaya kuyo, kumnyama.

Ngathi ugesi awukho le voor.

Ende ngiqonde khona daar.

Kuya khuphukela.

Ngibheka ema sayi dini, ngibona kuzi bedela wees.

Angiboni ngathi kuzo phela.

Bengizo fasa ihand brake nou ngi jinde le lewe iqubeke phambili.

16.

Hai wou ngi grend.

Mara ngivaya ne ncosi.

Akuna wou niks.

Kwamele ngishaye ngathi ngiya themba kuthi sizo fika lapho, engi fisela kuthi sizo fikela khona.

Ngoba, bona, mina ke Sehoja

LeRussia

Kubu Kubu entsa marota re o bone.

Tsoela.

Ama Die Hard.

Never Die.

Rabobi.

~ Musa

The Relapse

When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.

My grip becomes relentless.

I’m a hoarder.

When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.

This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.

Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.

Some people are just to kind to blow me off.

I’m an emotional person.

I’m a very sensual person.

So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.

So I walk around with a scowl on my face.

I’m very unapproachable.

I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.

I’m empathetic.

I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.

This makes me want to make you happy even more.

It becomes like a drug.

I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.

And when I do, I hoard it.

I’m over-sensitive.

When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.

Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.

It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.

I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.

I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.

Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.

I’m a masochist.

My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).

When in truth my services are no longer required.

I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.

It’s like having sex, but with my brain.

A mindfuck.

Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.

The MacGyvers of this world.

The Steven Siegals.

The Chuck Norrises.

The Terminators.

The Never Dies.

Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.

I’m impulsive.

I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.

~ Musa

How Do You Unplug From “The Matrix”?

It’s a Saturday, time to unplug and I need to blog.hqdefault

Well, it was a Saturday when I wrote the 1st draft.

I hope I eventually did through one up before this one.

I didn’t.

Shoot, I’m not sure.

I’ve been busy brooding over being abandoned that I haven’t been noticing much of life.

And what’s important.

Like you, reading this blog. You are important to me.

“We do not exist for ourselves …” – Thomas Merton

Not too sure what that quote means exactly but my guess is that you find your purpose when you look outside of yourself.

The meaning of life or whatever.

I think a lot, I like really overthink stuff and I end up too focused on myself and end up listening to my negative self-talk over and over again like a broken record.

fb_img_14757036410192509622996734996495.jpgSo my game-plan to counter that was to shift my thinking to a positive mindset, so that I can at least see the glass as half full.

Joking around with my mates about how hard life is didn’t help with improving much either.

Life is only as hard as we make it…

Lol!

Which is so much bullshit, because life is just plain hard.

It’s just a matter of finding a way around it, or a work around so that you don’t find yourself being beat all the time.

“When life knocks you down, land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. – Les Brown”

My self-medication, well my constructive one anyways, includes blogging about stuff I really want to believe.

Shit that doesn’t have me wanting to drown my sorrows all the time as an antidepressant or craving for sex so I can jump start my dopamine fix.

Finding a corner to curl up in the fetal position so I can cry my worries away has not done much to improve my life either.

I think I’m just angry and I’m projecting instead of seeking counselling.

Sense 8 was right when they said violence has a gender.

Even if in my case it’s internalized.

Musa the masochist.

Double M.

The pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain cycle I trap myself in.

A cycle I call my life.

A cycle I manage to break free from by writing blogs like these.

For you.

Because you save my life, you see…

…and I love you for that.

Because I’m an emotional Cancerian that likes to hoard nice things.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

It’s A Phase Until It Becomes Intentional

The falling in love phase is so exciting.

Thrilling.

Passionate.

The longing to meet each other.

Most lovers base their decision to marry while in that phase.

A phase that will end.

And right then, when the euphoria of falling in love has dissipated and when love is not as automatic.

When your love for one another must be intentional, that’s when the rubber meets the road.

You need to work.

Work is love.

Love is work.

Now you have to be conscious of what your partner really likes, what really fills her love tank.

And you have to start speaking their love language.

Failure to do so, will result in resentment, that compounds until what your version of “happily ever after” becomes but a dream.

Leading to breaks ups.

Reminds me of this great guy who was madly in love with this cool girl.

Going out for dates, presents where bought, vacations (baecations) were taken.

An absolutely fabulous relationship.

Or so I thought.

The moment this great guy lost his job and his car, cool girl broke up with him.

Even though they were engaged.

She wasn’t going to receive the kind of love she’s grown used to, so she dropped him.

Because great guy was now trash, you see?

Great guy managed to pick himself up, financially as well.

Cool girl now wants great guy back.

Because he is now capable of loving her in her love language now.

Love is not only a feeling, but the conscious willingness to feel each other’s love tank.

It’s intentional.

You fuck that up and you’re fucked.

That is why you find people going from one relationship to another, high from the falling in love phase.

Once the high leaves their veins they jump to another relationship and on to the next trip.

~ Musa

One Of The Reasons I Love My Daughter

The problem with me is that I don’t like to be told what to do.

I think that’s why I don’t do church anymore.

Anything left-wing is my cup of tea.

I try going with the flow, for the sake of peace, but down the line, I start to feel uneasy about being a follower.

It gets hard to breath you know?

It’shard for my personality to act the part of a person who follows obediently.

When fucking shit up brings me so much joy.

I think that’s one of the many reasons why I love my daughter.

~ Musa

Celebrate Your “Little Wins”

I’ve been having subtle wins this year, and I haven’t been sharing them on my blog.

I’m sorry about that.

The diagnosis for my daughter has been taking most of my energy.

I’m not the first or the last to have given birth to a child with special needs. This whole experience has changed my perspective about people with disorders.

It made me appreciate those who care for them even more. It was more of the mental work I was going through, more than anything else, that has me reeling.

I shared with a friend how I have mixed emotions about where I am right now, in my life.

Feelings of shame, regret, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, anger, blame, joy, happiness, pride, excitement, significance, responsibility, humility.

But the very first of the emotions I felt when I got the news was denial.

“She’s just a child.”

“She’ll eventually start speaking soon. Maybe when she turns 4.”

“Children are supposed to be hyper active, they are young.”

But getting a diagnosis from a speech therapist, as well as an occupational therapist, as well as a neuro-paediatrician, all coming to the same autistic conclusion, can’t be disputed.

My ignorance of this disorder, the fear of this unknown, a fear I couldn’t run from, led me to fighting it. This prolonged the therapy necessary to better manage the condition, unnecessarily.

Did you know that there is an autism spectrum?

Where they decide how severe the autism is?

What is autism?

The brochure I got from the counselling we got from, Gloria, the lady that runs Autism South Africa says:

“An Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a lifelong condition that affects the way a person communicated and relates to people around them.

People with an ASD have difficulty on relating to others in a meaningful way.

Their ability to develop friendships is generally limited as is their capacity to understand other people’s emotional expression.

Some people, but not all, have accompanying learning disabilities.

All people with an ASD have impairments in social interaction, social communication and imagination.…”

It’s like learning a new language this thing.

How I relate to her to how I thought I would relate to her, to how I should.

She’s a toddler, sommer needs to add that to the mix as well.

So the majority of my year has been finding coping mechanisms.

Some healthy, most…not so healthy.

But the bottom line is how all my energies were focused in that area of my life, and this led to me neglecting this blog.

Bringing me back to this update.

I’ve been rewriting my goals down almost every day.

(It should be every day I know, but I’m working on it.)

So, with me silently working on attracting these things on my goal list, however improbable, I have managed to achieve some of them.

I was just testing a theory that Napoleon Hill’s Law of Success: The 21st-Century Edition documented.

I wanted my fiancé’s car to be settled. We had another year to go until that was going to happen.

I hate waiting, and the persistent calls she was getting from the bank asking her to make payment for it was draining both our energies.

Guess what, after about 4 months of me writing this as one of my goals, unbeknownst to her, she managed to attract the funds to have the car settled last month!

What are the chances that something I was writing about achieving, without her knowing, could really come true just like that!!

Another of my “little wins” was how I managed to get my phone back from the repair guy.

The iPad my daughter shattered was also repaired.

We were gifted 2 Nutrilite Omega 3 packs, which I also had on my list. I actually had one, but the universe – through Dr York Liu, gave us 2.

I needed a new Hymm Shaving Razor. Which we got as well.

Small things that I’ve been writing about, without anyone knowing, are coming into my life.

Through various and interesting ways. Wins that need to be celebrated, especially how the car got settled.

That is brilliance at its best.

But more importantly, it’s the way that these goals have been attracted that gives me hope and hopefully, courage to ask for bigger goals.

You should give it a go.

~ Musa

There’s No Exit Strategy

For the longest of time I’ve been dreaming of an exit strategy.

As in, I will reach a certain point in my life where I will sit back and relax.

Doing nothing that will make me reach a higher level of living.

Where I would be satisfied with my lot.

Where I would have “peace.”

But that bubble was burst when John Maxwell said something in an interview he did with Ed Mylett.

It’s one of the things I fight about with my wife to be.

I’m not proud of it.

She always sees us progressing and wanting more for the family.

I’m of the belief that we should live below our means, and expand our means.

But this is a form of procrastination she feels.

Standing still defies nature.

Nature is always moving, growing, developing and changing.

The peace I’m referring to can only be achieved through death.

And even then my body will decay and rot until I’m all clothes and bones.

There is no threshold that I would reach.

Were I could hold on to my success for the rest of my life.

Life won’t allow me to because things are forever changing.

Nothing stays the same.

I always pride myself for going with the trend of universal laws.

But I now realize that I’ve been sabotaging myself.

Shooting myself in the foot.

Life has been challenging lately because I’ve been going against “the flow.”

There’s fun to be had in progress.

There’s fun to be had in process.

I need to remember that.

And to apologize to the wife.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa