The Relapse

When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.

My grip becomes relentless.

I’m a hoarder.

When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.

This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.

Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.

Some people are just to kind to blow me off.

I’m an emotional person.

I’m a very sensual person.

So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.

So I walk around with a scowl on my face.

I’m very unapproachable.

I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.

I’m empathetic.

I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.

This makes me want to make you happy even more.

It becomes like a drug.

I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.

And when I do, I hoard it.

I’m over-sensitive.

When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.

Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.

It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.

I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.

I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.

Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.

I’m a masochist.

My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).

When in truth my services are no longer required.

I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.

It’s like having sex, but with my brain.

A mindfuck.

Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.

The MacGyvers of this world.

The Steven Siegals.

The Chuck Norrises.

The Terminators.

The Never Dies.

Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.

I’m impulsive.

I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.

~ Musa

Celebrate Your “Little Wins”

I’ve been having subtle wins this year, and I haven’t been sharing them on my blog.

I’m sorry about that.

The diagnosis for my daughter has been taking most of my energy.

I’m not the first or the last to have given birth to a child with special needs. This whole experience has changed my perspective about people with disorders.

It made me appreciate those who care for them even more. It was more of the mental work I was going through, more than anything else, that has me reeling.

I shared with a friend how I have mixed emotions about where I am right now, in my life.

Feelings of shame, regret, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, anger, blame, joy, happiness, pride, excitement, significance, responsibility, humility.

But the very first of the emotions I felt when I got the news was denial.

“She’s just a child.”

“She’ll eventually start speaking soon. Maybe when she turns 4.”

“Children are supposed to be hyper active, they are young.”

But getting a diagnosis from a speech therapist, as well as an occupational therapist, as well as a neuro-paediatrician, all coming to the same autistic conclusion, can’t be disputed.

My ignorance of this disorder, the fear of this unknown, a fear I couldn’t run from, led me to fighting it. This prolonged the therapy necessary to better manage the condition, unnecessarily.

Did you know that there is an autism spectrum?

Where they decide how severe the autism is?

What is autism?

The brochure I got from the counselling we got from, Gloria, the lady that runs Autism South Africa says:

“An Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a lifelong condition that affects the way a person communicated and relates to people around them.

People with an ASD have difficulty on relating to others in a meaningful way.

Their ability to develop friendships is generally limited as is their capacity to understand other people’s emotional expression.

Some people, but not all, have accompanying learning disabilities.

All people with an ASD have impairments in social interaction, social communication and imagination.…”

It’s like learning a new language this thing.

How I relate to her to how I thought I would relate to her, to how I should.

She’s a toddler, sommer needs to add that to the mix as well.

So the majority of my year has been finding coping mechanisms.

Some healthy, most…not so healthy.

But the bottom line is how all my energies were focused in that area of my life, and this led to me neglecting this blog.

Bringing me back to this update.

I’ve been rewriting my goals down almost every day.

(It should be every day I know, but I’m working on it.)

So, with me silently working on attracting these things on my goal list, however improbable, I have managed to achieve some of them.

I was just testing a theory that Napoleon Hill’s Law of Success: The 21st-Century Edition documented.

I wanted my fiancé’s car to be settled. We had another year to go until that was going to happen.

I hate waiting, and the persistent calls she was getting from the bank asking her to make payment for it was draining both our energies.

Guess what, after about 4 months of me writing this as one of my goals, unbeknownst to her, she managed to attract the funds to have the car settled last month!

What are the chances that something I was writing about achieving, without her knowing, could really come true just like that!!

Another of my “little wins” was how I managed to get my phone back from the repair guy.

The iPad my daughter shattered was also repaired.

We were gifted 2 Nutrilite Omega 3 packs, which I also had on my list. I actually had one, but the universe – through Dr York Liu, gave us 2.

I needed a new Hymm Shaving Razor. Which we got as well.

Small things that I’ve been writing about, without anyone knowing, are coming into my life.

Through various and interesting ways. Wins that need to be celebrated, especially how the car got settled.

That is brilliance at its best.

But more importantly, it’s the way that these goals have been attracted that gives me hope and hopefully, courage to ask for bigger goals.

You should give it a go.

~ Musa

Just Peachy….

I was on Facebook with it’s FB memories reminders.

That seems to be the only thing I update on Facebook, come to think of it.

Meaning next year I will be reminded about the memories FB reminded me of today.

Nothing new under the sun.

Went emo couple of days back with the blog I published.

That day sucked, but I’ve had worse.

The morning sex usually helps with improving my mood.

But my partner in crime was not available for the joint venture so I turned to food. I was out of beer.

Self gratification gives me minimal pleasure. Not as satisfying as the excitement I get in conquering the female body into orgasm…I digress.

So I took baby girl to daycare in the morning.

Did the dishes.

Took a nap.

Bathed and headed for work.

I took the time I spent offline focusing on what’s going right, even though the world is on fire around me.

Reminds me of that hell scene when John Constantine went for a quick peek in that Constantine movie.

Things could be better, yes, but bitching about them won’t change them much.

Sometimes the discomfort you are experiencing now is nudging you forward, not backward.

Busy praying for deliverance from your current unhappiness but you’re not happy with the process it takes for your prayer to be answered.

S*** will always hit the fan. Even more so when change is coming.

Think it’s a matter of riding it out. But to always keep your eyes on the price.

That’s why goals are important.

Without them, what’s the point of living?

~ Musa

Winnie Madikizela-Mandela (1936-2018)

95308433f3394a58b30d64e0c82c99aeIt’s a sad day today with us laying to rest Winnie Madikizela-Mandela.

It was a huge funeral procession, which almost worthy to the individual.

Someone praised so much in death but wasn’t a celebrated in life.

But such is the way of the world.

One could go as far as saying that she kept former president Nelson’s name alive during his 27 year incarceration.

Keeping him relevant, inspiring artist’s like the late Brenda Fassie to sing songs about him.

At time that when the streets where on fire.

Literally.

The aftermath being relived in the minds of our parents and grandparents.

Influencing how we are raised.

In this “democratic” Republic.

May her soul rest in peace.

My Leader.

How Was Your Average, Perfect Day?

I read a beautiful blog post, shared by my team leader in the work group Whatsapp (how I despise these groups) titled The Perfect Average Day.

Like the English saying, I walked a mile in her shoes.

Or was it her high heels.

It was relatable.

Well written.

I loved it.

But some of my work colleagues didn’t.

Commenting about how she should use the opportunities within her company to better her living conditions.

To better HER perfect, average day.

Another commented about how there’s nothing special about her day since there are others who go through worse.

Another commented on what kind of response did the writer want? Compassion?

In the back of mind I thought, guys…it’s not a competition.

It’s not about compassion.

Why the hostility?

Is it shame, or embarrassment?

Having some parts of your life displayed like that for all to see, maybe making you feel intimidated?

Or was it because it was a woman who wrote that story?

Did she struck a cord maybe?

This was because I believed she wrote that just to share a part of her life with a receptive audience.

Just because she writes and that’s what writers do.

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No hidden agendas.

Maybe that’s the writer in me talking.

Maybe they are acting this way because it’s one of those photos that don’t make it to their Instagrams.

Because it has no filter.

Too real.

In the world of the Internet, there is no such thing as over sharing.

So instead of pointing out their insecurities, I decided to blog about it here.

I do my best to avoid an argument.

It’s like what this book I’m re-reading says,

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
How To Make Friends and Influence People. 

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

PS. By the way here’s the link to the blog I’m talking about http://conversationswithaesha.blogspot.co.za/2017/04/the-perfect-average-day.html?m=0

The Revenant

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“A revenant is a visible ghost or animated corpse that was believed to return from the grave to terrorize the living.”

 

There’s this movie trailer with Leonardo and Tom about their upcoming movie “The Revenant” and how it’s based on a true story.

It had me thinking about how each and everyone of us has a story to tell.

Because for all of us, life is happening at the same time.

And those life experiences are experienced on different levels.

How each of us have a pocket of life stories to tell to anyone willing to lend an ear.

With some parts of our lives are more intense that others.

And how us overcoming such extremes can make for a good movie that inspire others.

About how through the countless pounding our bodies, minds and souls can take…WE ARE STILL HERE!

You are your own inspiring, true life story movie.

Remember that.

You are deserving.

You are loved.

You are successful.

You are sexy.

You are important.

You are brave.

You are strong.

You are awesome.

You are unique.

You are powerful.

You are beautiful.

So rise from the grave of negative definitions you have buried your magnificence in, and terrorize the living with your brilliance!

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musawenkosi Tsoaela

Be The Freedom You Seek

There was a motivational poster my science teacher by the name of Mr. Swart had against one of his that I couldn’t understand.

At one point I had enough and asked a friend whether he understood it.

He immediately said yes as if wondering what human could understand such a basic statement.

I then asked if he could amuse me and explain it to me.

He explained, “The quote is in the form of a question asking what if the enemy that must be feared is not any one outside ourselves but ourselves.”

“Which literaly means that the enemy that should be battled is with ourselves.”

Now I take it that everything external that we all to hurt us is an external version of ourselves we hate.

Hatred is just an error in thought or perception.

Change the perception and you change the outcome.

Negative emotions are also known as resistance, and this blog update I attracted via twitter talks about releasing the resistance.

I pray you find it uplifting and helpful and inspiring and motivational and enriching and awesome and full of love and tenderness.

(c) Musawenkosi Tshoaele