Shit Left Unsaid

It gets quite.

And in that silence, when my thoughts are not occupied by something, my thoughts drift.

Like a 1 ply toilet paper, that shit floats and travels and drifts and lands.

And rests.

On things it shouldn’t.

Empty things that don’t have value because they don’t value you back.

An unspoken agreement between the two of us.

An agreement I keep breaking because I see the value.

Which contradicts my values.

As I play make-believe and have imaginary conversations in my head, with a ghost.

Haunting me like Toby…but shorter.

~ Musa

The Beauty Is In The Detail

unnamedI use my phone to write the drafts of my blogs, most of the time.

I should be writing more now compared to the phone I was using at the beginning.

The screen was so tiny and the editing… a nightmare.

I’m grateful for the new (not so new) phone I have now.

Yes, the screen is cracked.

Again.

The things is, I managed to get the screen “repaired” a while back, but now I’m not able to adjust the brightness settings on the phone screen.

So it’s permanently on the brightest setting.

This used to make for beautiful light shows during my taxi rides back home from my evening shifts.

When my creativity was at its highest.

Busy blinding other passengers on either side of me.

I’m sure they were probably wondering why I don’t dim my phone.

Oh well, they will be strong.

IMG_2020-02-12-05551266I’m addicted to the Pokemon Go  App game, which not only uses the Internet but also my mobile’s GPS feature.

These contributing elements have done a number on my mobile battery strength.

With my phone going from 100% to 0% in under 2 hours as opposed to 16 hours.

I need to attract a new phone.

Something else I’ve noticed is that I’ve been insecure about myself for a while now.

Shit, I can’t even make eye contact with myself in the mirror.

I can hear my heart racing when I do. Probably one of the reasons I don’t like taking Snapchat-1246795292pictures of myself.

Oh my bad, I meant to say selfies.

I’ve taken a liking to Snapchat though.

The filters though make me look too feminine.

That’s code for “the filters on Snapchat make me look gay.”

I would have made a pretty gay dad though.

Speaking about being a dad, my Omu has taken most of my attention.

As a 1st time dad, and ignorant in the field of raising an autistic child, saying that things have been rough is an understatement.

But that’s not to say that there haven’t been times of unbelievable joy as well you know?

The thing that fascinates me about this barrier (you notice my use of language? It fascinates. It doesn’t frustrate) is the psychologically around it.

The history.

The various degrees of it. Or in this case the spectrum levels.

From severe to non-severe.

My melancholy side tends to love the details.

The beauty is in the details.

But over information leads to overwhelm.

That has been me for most of this year.

I’m living in a stressful time right now.

But then again who isn’t right?

Regular doses of stress, I find, keep you going.

Keeping you moving and taking action.

Stress energy is potential power that you could release through daily activities that produce results for you.

Activities that I’ve been neglecting.

Simple activities like being grateful.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Like the food you eat.

We’ve grown numb to blessing our food before we eat.

Not realizing how fortunate you are to have such options available to you.

Being grateful daily should be a flex.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~ Oprah Winfrey 

Sometimes we have to live in the idea of living as though your prayers have been answered.

Stress makes you think emotionally.

Most “bad” results are made from emotional decisions.

So a “change of state” is advised before making decisions.

~ Musa

Stay Humble…But Never Downplay Your Success

Sometimes when we feel powerless, it’s an indication that you are disconnected from the Infinite Source of Power.kendrick-lamar-damn.jpg

The Infinite Supply.

And you can easily reconnect and restore your power by exercising gratitude.

Any negative emotion that comes up is an indication that you are disconnected.

When you are connected then you feel all the good, positive emotions that is associated with what is also known as Infinite Intelligence.

What some call God and some call the Universe.

There is this Invisible Source of Infinite Energy that exists, that cannot be really explained, but is undisputed.

And when you reconnect to it in the spirit of gratitude, you draw power from it.

There is an energy that exists that does not have a scientific definition.

And gratitude allows you to tap in to that undefined energy.

One needs that “unplug” when it seems like shit hits then fan

~ Musa

The Struggle to Success

Sometimes you have to be knocked down to get ahead in life.

Because of the person you need to become once you get up.

But some just stay knocked down.

Life will knock you TF down, that’s inevitable.

But it’s imperative that you find a way to get up.

That is the price you have to pay for what you want.

Things don’t just come to you, on the regular, without you playing your part.

You got to have your teeth knocked in.

You got to get that gut check.

You want to succeed?

That’s the gauntlet you have to go through.

You get knocked down so that you can dust yourself off and rise.

It’s in your rising that you will find your salvation.

Get the F up!

Become alive.

Your soul yearns for that taste of being alive.

Life is working in your favour, believe it or not.

You might be having your dips in life, but you have more peaks than dips.

Your focus is on how s*** life is.

The important part is to remember that you are going through the dips.

Don’t camp there.

Keep going.

Crawl if you have to.

You have to go through the furnace to become the person you need to be.

Lift your head up so that your line of vision will allow you to see opportunities to get you ahead in life.

Not the obstacles you keep looking for on the ground.

Only then will you be within eye view of the things that you want.

Life is conspiring for you and not against you.

Life is outside your comfort zone, so in order for you to succeed, shit needs to be uncomfortable.

Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal.

If you having it easy in life, then you’re not progressing towards success, but away from it.

It’s a process.

Like, how bad do you want it?

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~ Musa

The BS Story You Keep Telling Yourself…

I just realized something, I’m 35 and I don’t have a pension fund.

This was a result of me jumping from one company to another.

Yes, it’s my fault.

Leaving permanent, 4 year government job I had in favor of fulltime stock trading, was a very risky move.

That stunt came back to bite me in the ass, when that venture failed.

Mainly because I did not initially find someone who was already succeeding in what I wanted to do.

And modelling their success habits that will allow me to be as successful.

Mentorship, would have this most very lucrative for me.

I had to go to corporate world with zero pension fund, bouncing from one pension fund-less job to another.

This was due to the kind of temporary jobs I’ve been getting.

Temps jobs don’t come pension benefits.

Now because I’ve been relying on a company to determine my future financial security, I’m left caught with my dick in my hand.

I’ve been relying on other people to provide a level of security that they themselves aren’t aware of.

There’s no power there.

That part of my life has been titled as one of my greatest failure.

But I’ve now found that it’s one of my greatest successes.

Because of the lessons it has taught me.

More of a warning.

That you are leaving yourself too exposed if you success depends on someone else’s decision.

Your chances of success will tilt in your favour when you take 100% ownership of your level of success in your life.81x2aSRQqGL

Saying that anyone or any institution is the reason behind why you’re not getting ahead in life, is a bullshit story you keep telling yourself.

So much so that you believe it.

And because of your belief, this has become your reality.

Just because things are dire for now, does not mean I’m f***ed for life.

Especially when books by Anthony Robbins paint a different picture of my possible future.

~ Musa

Celebrate Your “Little Wins”

I’ve been having subtle wins this year, and I haven’t been sharing them on my blog.

I’m sorry about that.

The diagnosis for my daughter has been taking most of my energy.

I’m not the first or the last to have given birth to a child with special needs. This whole experience has changed my perspective about people with disorders.

It made me appreciate those who care for them even more. It was more of the mental work I was going through, more than anything else, that has me reeling.

I shared with a friend how I have mixed emotions about where I am right now, in my life.

Feelings of shame, regret, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, anger, blame, joy, happiness, pride, excitement, significance, responsibility, humility.

But the very first of the emotions I felt when I got the news was denial.

“She’s just a child.”

“She’ll eventually start speaking soon. Maybe when she turns 4.”

“Children are supposed to be hyper active, they are young.”

But getting a diagnosis from a speech therapist, as well as an occupational therapist, as well as a neuro-paediatrician, all coming to the same autistic conclusion, can’t be disputed.

My ignorance of this disorder, the fear of this unknown, a fear I couldn’t run from, led me to fighting it. This prolonged the therapy necessary to better manage the condition, unnecessarily.

Did you know that there is an autism spectrum?

Where they decide how severe the autism is?

What is autism?

The brochure I got from the counselling we got from, Gloria, the lady that runs Autism South Africa says:

“An Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a lifelong condition that affects the way a person communicated and relates to people around them.

People with an ASD have difficulty on relating to others in a meaningful way.

Their ability to develop friendships is generally limited as is their capacity to understand other people’s emotional expression.

Some people, but not all, have accompanying learning disabilities.

All people with an ASD have impairments in social interaction, social communication and imagination.…”

It’s like learning a new language this thing.

How I relate to her to how I thought I would relate to her, to how I should.

She’s a toddler, sommer needs to add that to the mix as well.

So the majority of my year has been finding coping mechanisms.

Some healthy, most…not so healthy.

But the bottom line is how all my energies were focused in that area of my life, and this led to me neglecting this blog.

Bringing me back to this update.

I’ve been rewriting my goals down almost every day.

(It should be every day I know, but I’m working on it.)

So, with me silently working on attracting these things on my goal list, however improbable, I have managed to achieve some of them.

I was just testing a theory that Napoleon Hill’s Law of Success: The 21st-Century Edition documented.

I wanted my fiancé’s car to be settled. We had another year to go until that was going to happen.

I hate waiting, and the persistent calls she was getting from the bank asking her to make payment for it was draining both our energies.

Guess what, after about 4 months of me writing this as one of my goals, unbeknownst to her, she managed to attract the funds to have the car settled last month!

What are the chances that something I was writing about achieving, without her knowing, could really come true just like that!!

Another of my “little wins” was how I managed to get my phone back from the repair guy.

The iPad my daughter shattered was also repaired.

We were gifted 2 Nutrilite Omega 3 packs, which I also had on my list. I actually had one, but the universe – through Dr York Liu, gave us 2.

I needed a new Hymm Shaving Razor. Which we got as well.

Small things that I’ve been writing about, without anyone knowing, are coming into my life.

Through various and interesting ways. Wins that need to be celebrated, especially how the car got settled.

That is brilliance at its best.

But more importantly, it’s the way that these goals have been attracted that gives me hope and hopefully, courage to ask for bigger goals.

You should give it a go.

~ Musa

Morning Meetings with Sethu

When it’s my turn to take my 2 year old to daycare, we drive by the cemetery.

I point to it, and tell my little Viking, strapped in her baby seat, that we are all going to end up here.

And so we must live the best life we can.

Like the good doctor said,

“don’t die with your music inside you.”

My version to that was, don’t be anyone’s bitch.

But I think I’ll wait until she’s older, like when she’s 3 maybe, before I use that language with her.

Until then, don’t die with your music inside you.

~ Musa

Just Peachy….

I was on Facebook with it’s FB memories reminders.

That seems to be the only thing I update on Facebook, come to think of it.

Meaning next year I will be reminded about the memories FB reminded me of today.

Nothing new under the sun.

Went emo couple of days back with the blog I published.

That day sucked, but I’ve had worse.

The morning sex usually helps with improving my mood.

But my partner in crime was not available for the joint venture so I turned to food. I was out of beer.

Self gratification gives me minimal pleasure. Not as satisfying as the excitement I get in conquering the female body into orgasm…I digress.

So I took baby girl to daycare in the morning.

Did the dishes.

Took a nap.

Bathed and headed for work.

I took the time I spent offline focusing on what’s going right, even though the world is on fire around me.

Reminds me of that hell scene when John Constantine went for a quick peek in that Constantine movie.

Things could be better, yes, but bitching about them won’t change them much.

Sometimes the discomfort you are experiencing now is nudging you forward, not backward.

Busy praying for deliverance from your current unhappiness but you’re not happy with the process it takes for your prayer to be answered.

S*** will always hit the fan. Even more so when change is coming.

Think it’s a matter of riding it out. But to always keep your eyes on the price.

That’s why goals are important.

Without them, what’s the point of living?

~ Musa