I See You.

I’m pissed off.3833921-7044494301-19707

I’m hurt.

I haven’t been writing much because I haven’t been having the best 6 months so far.

Yes, it’s only month 4 of the new year.

I still had baggage been carried from last year. So the updates I’ve been writing felt forced.

I’m not the only one having it rough, reading what Thandeka wrote is proof of that.

My saving grace has been going back to reading the Bible app I keep deleting and reinstalling on my phone.

I think when you are too much in your head, you end up thinking you’re the only one having it tough.

So I’ve been on the move.

Literally moving from a bigger space to a smaller.

Taking long walks when I’m home.

Leaving an energy sucking job of 5 years for sales gig…I now see why getting a sales job was so easy…they always hiring because people quit.

It’s scary thought, slowly down.

Standing still.

To think.

To pause and listen.

I think I’ll break down.

Maybe that’s what I need.

Not sure if I’ll ever stop if I start…

…I’m not church person.

I went because whenever I went to visit my cousin’s, and they went.

Silently wishing that on that particular Sunday something needed to happen, to prevent us from going.

God found a way to scroll past that prayer though.

Because God has Facebook.

I did it for others, going to church. I was not internally drown to it.

The choir events, when church choirs from other churches come together to sign church songs, were dope.

Everything else lacked integrity.

The only organisation I experienced which had integrity of the highest level was Network 21.

Anywhere else was just filled with hypocrisy.

The Bible has been edited too many times for it to be taken as gospel.

It’s guidance.

Making sure you are on the right path.

Your north star.

But some church brothers and sister, even in other church, see it as gospel.

I don’t believe in church.

I don’t think I ever did.

I believe in God though.

The God of my understanding.

The one Phetheni still has a copy of…yes mama ngi sase lapho.

So I have been reading through the verses and highlighting passages that I want to contest or interpret better or relate better to.

Finding what I can apply that day, since I started a morning routine of reading a chapter in the morning.

Tom Bilyeu recommended I have a routine, and he’s the truth.

I feel better now.

Thank you.

~ Musa

 

 

 

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You Could Have It Worse

downloadHad a shit day at work yesterday.

Came back home having successfully gathered, in my mind, other BS past events to feel shit about.

But instead of hiding my mini depression behind alcohol or sex, I decided to pray about it.

Having all that stuff compound inside you, in the form of thoughts, will fester and eat you up inside.

Venting in the form of prayer, for me anyway, helps.

So I went to bed, sat up and took my sleeping Sethu in my arms and began to pray.

As if using her as my telephone line to God.

Mentioning how that very baby girl has the flue and needs to get better soon.

How taking her to speech therapy is emotionally taxing and how I need to be strong for her during these effortless sessions – the little one has the time of her life during these sessions.

I also prayed on how I need to speak to this surprisingly ignorant daycare teacher labeling my genius baby as a slow learner, even though the child development specialist evaluated that she’s only delayed in speech for her age.

Please-climb-that-tree1Actually f*** the specialist, I see that my baby is on point, even though the stupid twat doesn’t.

I prayed over the shit job situation, and their stupid ass meetings that borderline exit interviews.

Prayed about me having to raise 6 times my monthly salary in a space of 12 months as an offering to officially marry the mother of my child.

Me having to move my family to a new rental space. This being our 9th move to date.

The car needing services & repairs.

Me, the first born, feeling compelled to take care of my mom who sold her house.

God knows why.

I say God knows because after the house got sold and she had to go rent for a couple of months, she moved to another church.

The previous church is rumored as a church that uses people’s beliefs to church’s benefit…then again isn’t that the case with most churches?

God works in mysterious ways.

Mom now stays with relatives, who I feel are side eyeing me on why I haven’t stepped up to the plate and took ownership of her situation.

Hell, I’m barely holding things together with my family, let alone including umama into the equation.

Thinking that having the mother of my child going back to live her parents house would save us some money and open up some cashflow options, only to have her own mother kick her out.

Mamazala, your future son in law is working on solutions here but you’re a not getting with the program.

With resumes being updated and submitted for new job apps among all of this. Anxiety levels stretching since I’m going out of my comfort zone and whoring myself out to the marketplace yet again.

Then I heard are only distributor of energy in South Africa was over R400 billion in debt.

So maybe I don’t have it all that bad see?

~ Musa

Just Peachy….

I was on Facebook with it’s FB memories reminders.

That seems to be the only thing I update on Facebook, come to think of it.

Meaning next year I will be reminded about the memories FB reminded me of today.

Nothing new under the sun.

Went emo couple of days back with the blog I published.

That day sucked, but I’ve had worse.

The morning sex usually helps with improving my mood.

But my partner in crime was not available for the joint venture so I turned to food. I was out of beer.

Self gratification gives me minimal pleasure. Not as satisfying as the excitement I get in conquering the female body into orgasm…I digress.

So I took baby girl to daycare in the morning.

Did the dishes.

Took a nap.

Bathed and headed for work.

I took the time I spent offline focusing on what’s going right, even though the world is on fire around me.

Reminds me of that hell scene when John Constantine went for a quick peek in that Constantine movie.

Things could be better, yes, but bitching about them won’t change them much.

Sometimes the discomfort you are experiencing now is nudging you forward, not backward.

Busy praying for deliverance from your current unhappiness but you’re not happy with the process it takes for your prayer to be answered.

S*** will always hit the fan. Even more so when change is coming.

Think it’s a matter of riding it out. But to always keep your eyes on the price.

That’s why goals are important.

Without them, what’s the point of living?

~ Musa

"Why Don’t You Come To Church Anymore?"


I have been attracting this question most of the time I go to my uncle’s place.

A religious family they are, with my uncle holding a senior position with the church.

The Old Apostolic Church.

With constant visits from church followers, who seem to allows come attached with the question “why don’t you come to church anymore?” every time the come across me there.

Answering that question came to be hard for me because…I mean, with my level of awareness right now, where to I start?

It is then my reasons come to be presented as excuses to them, with me leaving the conversation mortified…crucified (hehe excuse the pun) due to my inability of presenting my case, my truth as adequately as possible.

Because after all it IS a matter of Truth. Keeping in mind My Truth may, at times, not be Your Truth.

And it’s amazing how others want to instil their truth in you because their truth have set them “free.”

And questioning this truth – that is, Their truth – would be like questioning their freedom.

Something hold on to for the salvation of their soul, something they consider sacred and God-given.

Even though I might find liberation in sourcing out the answers to these “unquestionable questions” they work so hard to protect, because ignorance is bliss.

They are happy not knowing and want me to confirm to this “happiness” through, for lack of a better paradox, their false truths, all the while instilling fear in me in the name of love.

“Because God is to feared.”

“Because the Bible says so. And we base our teachings here in the church from scriptures taken from the Bible.”

“Because God said so. See X chapter Y verse Z to AA.”

The very same bible that was edited time and time again for MY best interests.

Like watching a movies with missing scences so not to mislead my mind with the words of God.

The very judgemental, envious God who has laid down the 10 commandments for me to follow, and who Also has given me free will and the power to choose what I want.

Because a repeatedly edited bible do me so?

Preaching the gospel according to selected verse, neglecting others.

Bestow human characterists on such an awesome Source of All by making Her love conditional because imaging a God who loves without condition is too magnificent to accept.

A God who regardless of how many times you curse Him forever waits for Her to call on It for help.

Always, ALWAYS ready to guide you out of your self constructed pits of fear, sadness, misery, lack, depression, anxiety and worry.

No the church teaches you how you should fear a loving God because if you don’t not only are you going to hell, but She will torture your soul for eternity.

Because will bring down a vengeful wrath for making the wrong choices in life, the life She gave you to experience with a free will to do as you wish.

Even though in the bible He gave us the 10 commandments to follow.

Commandments…?

Free will…?

Fearing a Loving God…?

A God that loves with condition…?

A church that encourages me to love my fellow men by teaching to fear God. Creator of All. And how I must tell them to do just like I do and work for the salvation of their souls.

I take it their are damned if they don’t.

How inviting.

I have to say what did turn me on about going to church was how they stuck to how God lives in us.

In my head I seemed to picture this young, looking cacausian the size of an action figure, with a long brown beard and blurring facial faces in a white robe, standing with his open palms facing me.

That was why depiction of my soul, how cute of me.

Then the guy on the altar loses the whole plot by telling of how I should love that which I fear and fear that which I love, and sacrificise my time for It for an hour – just an hour? – everyday in praising It.

Then at the end of service I must come to accept/ acknowledge the shame I feel with me not leaving up to the standards set by the church of how I should please God.

I see now why one should hold to their own Truth or seek to find them.

The boundaries set by my church on ways I should God, the reasons behind this and the foundations these principles are based on, to me, are not in alignment with the freedom I know God is.

I Know this the way I Know most things and their relationship to me, and that is through feeling.

Something this fear-based world ridicules as inferior, hence the shape, condition, and state this world is in.

I don’t do church no more because I found it a limiting expression of my love for God.

And how the kept dissing everyone else, but that I mean people outside the congregation, just pissed me off. Watching how the elders taught the coming generation was the exclamation point.

With all that I choose to see at church how could I then continue to insult my soul with me pitching up everytime?

So to please my relatives at the expense of my happiness?

I choose not to.

It is after all A Matter Of Choice.

– Musawenkosi Tshoaele

The Foundations Of The Church

I guess for me to experience God the opposite should exist.

That being fear.

And according to the Church, my Church, I must work for the salvation of my soul through participating in the activities of the church.

That way I will guarantee myself a one way ticket to Heaven.

Because this is written in the Bible, I cannot quote you the verse as yet, and that means God said so.

And who am I do go against what God has “said?”

…well what God has said, and what Man has written are two entirely different things.

Especially when what Man has written goes against what I feel in relation to the scripture.

Free will vs. The 10 Commandments.

I believe that God is not a contradiction.

I do believe though that if one thinks thoughts that do harm to one’s self, they will be promoted into the world and come back to her in the form of circumstances and experiences.

So to sideline this law, one must do and think things that a God-like.

What I mean by this is that if I do things that are motivated by feelings of love, I am indirectly/ directly promoting the word of God.

Because God is Love.

And one should not sacrifice anything to experience Love.

One should just be…something I will explain to you later.

Wena just keep in mind that if what you feel goes against what you hear, listen to the voice within.

Because that is when God is talking to you.

(c) Musawenkosi Tshoaele, 2010