The Relapse

When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.

My grip becomes relentless.

I’m a hoarder.

When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.

This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.

Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.

Some people are just to kind to blow me off.

I’m an emotional person.

I’m a very sensual person.

So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.

So I walk around with a scowl on my face.

I’m very unapproachable.

I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.

I’m empathetic.

I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.

This makes me want to make you happy even more.

It becomes like a drug.

I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.

And when I do, I hoard it.

I’m over-sensitive.

When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.

Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.

It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.

I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.

I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.

Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.

I’m a masochist.

My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).

When in truth my services are no longer required.

I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.

It’s like having sex, but with my brain.

A mindfuck.

Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.

The MacGyvers of this world.

The Steven Siegals.

The Chuck Norrises.

The Terminators.

The Never Dies.

Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.

I’m impulsive.

I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.

~ Musa

One Of The Reasons I Love My Daughter

The problem with me is that I don’t like to be told what to do.

I think that’s why I don’t do church anymore.

Anything left-wing is my cup of tea.

I try going with the flow, for the sake of peace, but down the line, I start to feel uneasy about being a follower.

It gets hard to breath you know?

It’shard for my personality to act the part of a person who follows obediently.

When fucking shit up brings me so much joy.

I think that’s one of the many reasons why I love my daughter.

~ Musa

Nothing Beats The Grind

After 2-3 weeks of submitting a minimum of 10 resumes a day, I finally got a job. My fiance’s family fed me during the holidays hustle.

A very humbling experience since I am a prideful man.

I don’t like getting handouts because in my life I’ve come to find that most handouts come with an IOU tag.

I don’t want to be indebted to anyone.

So being in the position I was in, made me grind harder.

I think I sent out those CVs and with me going to interviews between.

Some interviews where scams, some promising. But I kept submitting them promising or not.

Most people start slowling where nearing the finish line.

I slow down once I cross it.

Hell, I even turned to reading the bible.

You know shit’s hit the fan when I pick up “the book.”

It kept me going. That and seeing the unbothered smile on my daughter’s face.

She hit the side of her eye, that one, playing in the playgrounds at cresche.

Had to get stitched. Busy walking around with an eye the size of a golf ball. To put it mildly, she was not impressed seeing the world with one eye.

But I’m glad I was there to assist with the healing process.

But it was her mom that kept me above water mainly. There’s no one I appreciated more, beyond words even, than her, during this period.

I felt stripped of my title as a provider.

As a man, if I cannot provide for my family, what am I?

Feeling lost, going to bed with a broken heart. I was without purpose and I felt depressed.

The need to feel needed by corporate was overwhelming. Which felt like a contradiction because I promote the idea of owning your own business.

A purposeless, non providing, hypocrite of the a man.

And I knew if I start hating myself then there won’t be any improvement in my life.

So I kept my black ass working to keep from thinking negative thoughts.

Because my thinking was shit.

It worked, at face level.

But for lasting results, I need that deep kinda loving.

That only I can provide from the inside out.

The grind paid off.

Now employed on a probationary basis.

Work ethic + being intentional + the law of averages working in my favour produced results.

With prayer and work ethic, something’s got to give.

And it did.

As expected.

~ Musa

PS. This was a delayed post. My baby girl is all healed up now. Mischievous as hell. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Take Care Of Your Number One Player

I have been writing, it’s just that I haven’t published any of them yet.

Busy out there f***ing shit up.

Mostly in my relationships.

I think my work stats are good.

My spiritual stats are lagging behind.

My physical health stats are in shambles.

I’m busy now seeing how far I can stretch and play around with my relationship stats.

I’m thinking of making new friends, it’s just that I cannot misrepresent myself, for the sake of gaining points with them.

I’m going to be as open as my offline personality is. And whoever bites, bites.

I think I’m too old to be playing make believe so I can be liked.

I just need to take better care of myself, that way I can attract better things in my life.

Like my Twitter crush for example, who inspired me to finally update this blog on our birthday month.

It’s not all gloom and doom.

Self care is essential.

You should try it too.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

I’m sorry.

Thank you.

~ Musa

Your Growth Is Limited By Your Environment

My latest favorite content marketing guy said I should document my life regularly.

So here I am, doing just that.

Imitate successful people long enough and you too will be successful.

Long enough and consistently enough.

So there was something a friend of mine wrote…

… I can’t say we’re friends, I mean I never met the guy but I do enjoy his tweets.

Anyways, the guy wasn’t feeling well, I mean we are human, and he posted how he had a bad feeling about today.

This was something which was out of character of him.

But then again, like the rest of us, he spends like 2% of his life on social media so what do I know.

Nonetherless we are what we think.

As a man thinketh, so shall he be.

So I politely asked he stop with his sh** and focus on willing the day into a great one.

But I did that mostly for selfish reasons.

I can’t be scrolling through my Twitter timeline with such negativity.

Like, I’m the most negative person I know.

That’s why I need this blog, YouTube videos, and other motivational just to make it through the day.

So I need those I follow to inspire me with every swipe on my phone.

To surround myself with positive shandis that will outweigh the negative, so that I can attract more people and things to be grateful for.

I think that’s why I’ve unfriended so many on Facebook and unfollowed on IG and Twitter.

Be picky about the people or things you expose your mind to. They unconsciously affect the life you live and the things you have in your life.

~ Musa

How I Made R1300 In 2 hours….

There’s this thing that the universe does when it comes to answering your prayers.

Last week, around this time, I was complaining to one of my mentors.

It was a good release, especially after she sent me a TED Talk that spoke of the truth definition of mental health.

I was carrying with me this cloud of defeat due to the level of stress & anxiety I was perpetuating in my head.

But what I’ve realized about myself, is that I dont’ stay defeated.

I think that’s why I decided to eventually click on Tom Biyeul’s link.

A link, mind you, that I’ve been scrolling past to check out my new obsession: mixed martial arts videos on YouTube.

What he and Ed Mylett brought up in the interview spurred something in me that had me take action on an idea I had.

I just never took action on it.

So the next morning I went on to Olx.co.za, (a platform for buying and selling services and goods online) to sell my Playstation.

An idea I had for while just to boost us for the month.

I still can’t believe how fast that shandis sold.

7:00: I posted the ad. I took a number of pictures using my girlfriend’s iPad after watching the Tim & Ed video the day before. Ended up posting 1 of them though. My thinking was less perfection and more action.

IMG_5319

7:08: Ad was verified & published.

7:11: 2 potential buyers were wondering if it was still available. 1 was willing to buy at the initial price of R1500. 2nd buyer wanted to close me on R1300, on the basis that I sell it to him that day. So I did.

9:01: I had R1300 in cash, in my hand.

And that is how I made R1300 in 2 hours.

It just reconfirmed how:

  1. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
  2. The universe rewards action. Any action is better than no action.
  3. The universe likes speed.
  4. Expect to succeed. Even if it’s the first time you are trying out something new. There is power in expectation.
  5. There is more ways money can be made apart from slaving away for it at your job.

It reminds me of how Vaynerchuk keeps inspiring about his #trashtalk.

I don’t believe all transactions go this fast.

That would be naive of me to believe that.

But R1300 a day, is a much higher rate than what I am getting a day at work.

Additional sources of incomes are available if only we act on them and not only pray about them.

~ Musa

 

You Fear the Sabre-tooth

6753809I read somewhere that the brain is wired since the stone age to think negatively so to protect us from the dangers that existed then.

Sabre-tooth as an example.

These days this negative thinking works overtime, stopping us from getting ahead in life.

Because we fear trying something new.

Fear of the Sabre-tooth.

This happens without us even realizing.

Without reading, preferably instructional books, then nothing will contradict that thinking.

You could even try swapping listening to the car radio station or your phone playlist for an audiobook.

The hours you spent while traveling, could be spent sharpening your mind against the Sabre-tooth.

Marvel_avengers_alliance_sabretooth_by_ratatrampa87-d6tj8tgThe benefits of investing in yourself will eventually be seen via your outlook in your life.

Maybe that’s what you need.

Maybe that’s what need.

A different outlook.

That comes from developing a habit of reading or listening daily to go sh*t.

~ Musa