The Relapse

When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.

My grip becomes relentless.

I’m a hoarder.

When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.

This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.

Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.

Some people are just to kind to blow me off.

I’m an emotional person.

I’m a very sensual person.

So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.

So I walk around with a scowl on my face.

I’m very unapproachable.

I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.

I’m empathetic.

I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.

This makes me want to make you happy even more.

It becomes like a drug.

I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.

And when I do, I hoard it.

I’m over-sensitive.

When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.

Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.

It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.

I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.

I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.

Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.

I’m a masochist.

My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).

When in truth my services are no longer required.

I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.

It’s like having sex, but with my brain.

A mindfuck.

Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.

The MacGyvers of this world.

The Steven Siegals.

The Chuck Norrises.

The Terminators.

The Never Dies.

Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.

I’m impulsive.

I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.

~ Musa

Celebrate Your “Little Wins”

I’ve been having subtle wins this year, and I haven’t been sharing them on my blog.

I’m sorry about that.

The diagnosis for my daughter has been taking most of my energy.

I’m not the first or the last to have given birth to a child with special needs. This whole experience has changed my perspective about people with disorders.

It made me appreciate those who care for them even more. It was more of the mental work I was going through, more than anything else, that has me reeling.

I shared with a friend how I have mixed emotions about where I am right now, in my life.

Feelings of shame, regret, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, anger, blame, joy, happiness, pride, excitement, significance, responsibility, humility.

But the very first of the emotions I felt when I got the news was denial.

“She’s just a child.”

“She’ll eventually start speaking soon. Maybe when she turns 4.”

“Children are supposed to be hyper active, they are young.”

But getting a diagnosis from a speech therapist, as well as an occupational therapist, as well as a neuro-paediatrician, all coming to the same autistic conclusion, can’t be disputed.

My ignorance of this disorder, the fear of this unknown, a fear I couldn’t run from, led me to fighting it. This prolonged the therapy necessary to better manage the condition, unnecessarily.

Did you know that there is an autism spectrum?

Where they decide how severe the autism is?

What is autism?

The brochure I got from the counselling we got from, Gloria, the lady that runs Autism South Africa says:

“An Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a lifelong condition that affects the way a person communicated and relates to people around them.

People with an ASD have difficulty on relating to others in a meaningful way.

Their ability to develop friendships is generally limited as is their capacity to understand other people’s emotional expression.

Some people, but not all, have accompanying learning disabilities.

All people with an ASD have impairments in social interaction, social communication and imagination.…”

It’s like learning a new language this thing.

How I relate to her to how I thought I would relate to her, to how I should.

She’s a toddler, sommer needs to add that to the mix as well.

So the majority of my year has been finding coping mechanisms.

Some healthy, most…not so healthy.

But the bottom line is how all my energies were focused in that area of my life, and this led to me neglecting this blog.

Bringing me back to this update.

I’ve been rewriting my goals down almost every day.

(It should be every day I know, but I’m working on it.)

So, with me silently working on attracting these things on my goal list, however improbable, I have managed to achieve some of them.

I was just testing a theory that Napoleon Hill’s Law of Success: The 21st-Century Edition documented.

I wanted my fiancé’s car to be settled. We had another year to go until that was going to happen.

I hate waiting, and the persistent calls she was getting from the bank asking her to make payment for it was draining both our energies.

Guess what, after about 4 months of me writing this as one of my goals, unbeknownst to her, she managed to attract the funds to have the car settled last month!

What are the chances that something I was writing about achieving, without her knowing, could really come true just like that!!

Another of my “little wins” was how I managed to get my phone back from the repair guy.

The iPad my daughter shattered was also repaired.

We were gifted 2 Nutrilite Omega 3 packs, which I also had on my list. I actually had one, but the universe – through Dr York Liu, gave us 2.

I needed a new Hymm Shaving Razor. Which we got as well.

Small things that I’ve been writing about, without anyone knowing, are coming into my life.

Through various and interesting ways. Wins that need to be celebrated, especially how the car got settled.

That is brilliance at its best.

But more importantly, it’s the way that these goals have been attracted that gives me hope and hopefully, courage to ask for bigger goals.

You should give it a go.

~ Musa

Front Toward Enemy

24-Lewis-tells-Frank-to-cut-the-white-wire-and-it-works-1080x675So I had an enlightening morning power meeting with my two year old daughter, on the morning drive to daycare.

She didn’t flat out laugh at my face when I told her that I’m going to try taking a break from Facebook for a while.

But she did look at me, then looked out the window, mumbling something inaudible.

Hate it when she sideways cusses me.

Anyway, this idea was from a Reader’s Digest article that said FaceBook is not good for your mental health.

I think spending anytime on screens for prolonged periods, should affect you some how.

But more so on your handheld device.

Due to how it increases your anxiety levels, it’s no wonder you find it hard to sleep.

Or do you strain your mind and body with enough anxiety simulation that you eventually pass out due to exhaustion?

I’ve dissed women many times for their love of talking.

But that is one of their greatest assets.

Men don’t talk much, especially when we are hurting.

Keeping all that pain inside eventually spills out in ugly ways, sometimes.

But talking about your feelings as a man is a sign of weakness you see? Very feminine.

I guess that’s why most of the gays I know as so successful in life.

Those guys talk hey?

It’s as if talking is a success principle.

Guys should talk about their feelings more. But for some death is more preferable, since it’s things like these that lead to depression.

Left untreated then you will have people like me using you to promote mental health awareness.

It made me think about we are walking around with Claymore mines in our pockets, in the form of cellphones…

~ Musa

How I Made R1300 In 2 hours….

There’s this thing that the universe does when it comes to answering your prayers.

Last week, around this time, I was complaining to one of my mentors.

It was a good release, especially after she sent me a TED Talk that spoke of the truth definition of mental health.

I was carrying with me this cloud of defeat due to the level of stress & anxiety I was perpetuating in my head.

But what I’ve realized about myself, is that I dont’ stay defeated.

I think that’s why I decided to eventually click on Tom Biyeul’s link.

A link, mind you, that I’ve been scrolling past to check out my new obsession: mixed martial arts videos on YouTube.

What he and Ed Mylett brought up in the interview spurred something in me that had me take action on an idea I had.

I just never took action on it.

So the next morning I went on to Olx.co.za, (a platform for buying and selling services and goods online) to sell my Playstation.

An idea I had for while just to boost us for the month.

I still can’t believe how fast that shandis sold.

7:00: I posted the ad. I took a number of pictures using my girlfriend’s iPad after watching the Tim & Ed video the day before. Ended up posting 1 of them though. My thinking was less perfection and more action.

IMG_5319

7:08: Ad was verified & published.

7:11: 2 potential buyers were wondering if it was still available. 1 was willing to buy at the initial price of R1500. 2nd buyer wanted to close me on R1300, on the basis that I sell it to him that day. So I did.

9:01: I had R1300 in cash, in my hand.

And that is how I made R1300 in 2 hours.

It just reconfirmed how:

  1. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
  2. The universe rewards action. Any action is better than no action.
  3. The universe likes speed.
  4. Expect to succeed. Even if it’s the first time you are trying out something new. There is power in expectation.
  5. There is more ways money can be made apart from slaving away for it at your job.

It reminds me of how Vaynerchuk keeps inspiring about his #trashtalk.

I don’t believe all transactions go this fast.

That would be naive of me to believe that.

But R1300 a day, is a much higher rate than what I am getting a day at work.

Additional sources of incomes are available if only we act on them and not only pray about them.

~ Musa