The Relapse

When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.

My grip becomes relentless.

I’m a hoarder.

When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.

This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.

Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.

Some people are just to kind to blow me off.

I’m an emotional person.

I’m a very sensual person.

So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.

So I walk around with a scowl on my face.

I’m very unapproachable.

I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.

I’m empathetic.

I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.

This makes me want to make you happy even more.

It becomes like a drug.

I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.

And when I do, I hoard it.

I’m over-sensitive.

When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.

Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.

It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.

I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.

I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.

Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.

I’m a masochist.

My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).

When in truth my services are no longer required.

I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.

It’s like having sex, but with my brain.

A mindfuck.

Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.

The MacGyvers of this world.

The Steven Siegals.

The Chuck Norrises.

The Terminators.

The Never Dies.

Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.

I’m impulsive.

I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.

~ Musa

One Of The Reasons I Love My Daughter

The problem with me is that I don’t like to be told what to do.

I think that’s why I don’t do church anymore.

Anything left-wing is my cup of tea.

I try going with the flow, for the sake of peace, but down the line, I start to feel uneasy about being a follower.

It gets hard to breath you know?

It’shard for my personality to act the part of a person who follows obediently.

When fucking shit up brings me so much joy.

I think that’s one of the many reasons why I love my daughter.

~ Musa

You Are What You Accept

4694342-Jay-Z-Quote-Don-t-ever-go-with-the-flow-Be-the-flowYou teach people how you would like to be treated, by how you react to what they say or do.

Either by acceptance of what they do to you or by you reprimanding them.

To correct someone on how you would like to be treated, I believe, comes from raising your standards.

Low standards allows them to continue “taking advantage” of you, while raising them educates them on how you would like to be treated.

It takes courage to put yourself first.

It takes courage futhi to “equip” people on how you like to be treated, in order for them to bring out the best in you.

It’s a win-win.

Reminds me of how I cringe when people organize events at the last minute and expect me to participate.

9 times out of 10 I don’t. If I do, it is with a closed heart.

Give me time to think it over in my mind as a typical melancholy. Don’t pull a sanguine move on me and expect to me to be jolly about it.

But then again I’m an introvert, so being “out there” drains my energy, at times.

I’m just at a point in my life, with all that’s happening, where I cannot “go with the flow” that goes against my core values.

Living a lie is tiring.

There is power outside your comfort zone.

~ Musa

Hand Outs

30704604_10156443883328304_2485161551590003087_nYou can’t get what you don’t give.

That’s the way of life.

You have to give what you desire.

It’s a law.

Because what you give, you will always get back in return.

You hand out disrespect.

It will come back to you.

Like an invisible boomerang.

The thing is when it does return, it hits you unexpectedly.

Making you feel like you’re the victim when, no actually, you’re the instigator.

Before you cry foul, take a stand back and see whether logs need to be removed from your eye first & foremost.

But as a sidenote, not everyone is going to like you.

Don’t stop being yourself.

But do so respectfully.

The worlds is filled with assholes. No need adding to the stats.

~ Musa

The Innovator

Innovation-ImageI just found this interesting. Ayanda got me fascinated with these profiling websites.

It got me thinking about what makes me tick.

The below is in accordance to my personality in relation to my view of internet security.

Shoot…by the way:

Happy New Year (never too late)

You are a Calm and Curious Achiever

  • You are hardworking, inventive, calm and curious.
  • You take responsibility, are reliable, vigilant and practice self-control.
  • You appreciate creativity and are quick to learn new things.
  • If you are interested in technology, you are likely to be an early adopter.
  • You are well in control of your emotions and don’t get upset easily, making it easier for you to deal with stressful situations.

What does this mean for your online safety?

  • You have a tendency to think carefully before acting, which makes you naturally cautious when navigating cyberspace i.e. “Thinking before you Click”.
  • You’re more likely to be proactive about applying appropriate security controls.
  • In extreme cases, your high conscientiousness may make you vulnerable to well executed “social engineering” attacks that impersonate people with authority.
  • You try out new technologies and are quick to understand how these work.
  • You are likely to be more aware than the average person about the threats and risks associated with using these.
  • Your emotional stability allows you to keep a level head, even when under pressure or when dealing with a potential cyber threat. So-called people-hackers use psychological tricks to trigger your emotions (also called social engineering techniques).
  • Your ability to keep calm and control your emotions is a great tool to defend yourself from any of these attacks.

Be aware of:

  • Attacks that impersonate authority figures or being caught out while you are working too hard.
  • When you are trying out something new, make it a rule to learn about the potential risks and how to protect yourself; apply minimum security controls such as anti-virus, encryption and good, strong passwords.
  • Don’t trust any unsolicited email messages or phone calls, especially if it triggers an emotion and always think twice before you click.

 

Thought we should know more about me together see?

~ Musa

Hell Is An Experience

Carracci-PurgatoryI’m thinking that sometimes we need to pray when things are going right too.

Like right now, as I’m thankful to God that my little girl is healthy and getting stronger by the day.

Almost a month ago she was in hospital being treated for the pneumonia she picked up at creche we think.

It’s a public hospital that means we were kicked out around 7pm and allowed in back in at 7am.

It felt shitty leaving her behind, oxygen mask on, drip in arm, with her feeling sickly.

There was no better time to go to God with her paining like she was.

So, eventually, when the weight of it all brought me to my knees, I started praying.

Not a lofty prayer but a detailed, heartfelt prayer of gratitude.

Being thankful of what I already have and being thankful of what I wanted to see, in terms of a healthy baby that’s being discharged and back home with us.

And I continued spending most of my day being grateful of that truth.

My truth.

A prayer God answered.

Remembering Her in the bad times only to forget or take Her for granted in the good times.

Beka manje, I’m spending my off day with my Beasty and I’m not thanking God for that.

While in this physical life I see hell and heaven as an experience.

Not a destination.

And the further away from God the closer I am to experiencing situations that feel hellish.

But with continuous association and communication with Her I will be guided out of those hell experiences into heavenly ones.

Like the one I’m having now.

And I’m grateful for them.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

Story Time

reading
It’s been a while.

Events of the past few months would have made for some pretty interesting posts.

Birthday things.

Sethu’s hilarious toddler mannerisms.

Small goals being reached and goals missed.

Social media breaks.

Friends being fired.

A growing business.

Relationship…disagreements and resolutions.

Work things and politics.

The list goes on.

The point.

Everyone has a story to tell.

It’s not a competition.

Sometimes writing things down makes you feel better.

There might be something in what you write that I might find helpful.

Who knows, maybe my prayers are going to be answered through your next blog update.

She does work in mysterious ways.

~ Musa