I didn’t know how to respond.
What it a bad thing?
Was it a disability?
What the fuck.
My baby is fine.
She just needs time.
Why are they messing up with her development?
They must leave my baby girl alone.
She’s not going to taking any fucken meds on their diagnosis based on their American-based research!
Not my child.
It’s my fault.
It’s her mother’s fault.
Are my ancestors turning their backs on me?
Is God punishing me?
She’s just a child.
What does this mean?
…God will never give you a burden you cannot carry.
I’m pissed off.
I haven’t been writing much because I haven’t been having the best 6 months so far.
Yes, it’s only month 4 of the new year.
I still had baggage been carried from last year. So the updates I’ve been writing felt forced.
I’m not the only one having it rough, reading what Thandeka wrote is proof of that.
My saving grace has been going back to reading the Bible app I keep deleting and reinstalling on my phone.
I think when you are too much in your head, you end up thinking you’re the only one having it tough.
So I’ve been on the move.
Literally moving from a bigger space to a smaller.
Taking long walks when I’m home.
Leaving an energy sucking job of 5 years for sales gig…I now see why getting a sales job was so easy…they always hiring because people quit.
It’s scary thought, slowly down.
To pause and listen.
I think I’ll break down.
Maybe that’s what I need.
Not sure if I’ll ever stop if I start…
…I’m not church person.
I went because whenever I went to visit my cousin’s, and they went.
Silently wishing that on that particular Sunday something needed to happen, to prevent us from going.
God found a way to scroll past that prayer though.
Because God has Facebook.
I did it for others, going to church. I was not internally drown to it.
The choir events, when church choirs from other churches come together to sign church songs, were dope.
Everything else lacked integrity.
The only organisation I experienced which had integrity of the highest level was Network 21.
Anywhere else was just filled with hypocrisy.
The Bible has been edited too many times for it to be taken as gospel.
Making sure you are on the right path.
Your north star.
But some church brothers and sister, even in other church, see it as gospel.
I don’t believe in church.
I don’t think I ever did.
I believe in God though.
The God of my understanding.
The one Phetheni still has a copy of…yes mama ngi sase lapho.
So I have been reading through the verses and highlighting passages that I want to contest or interpret better or relate better to.
Finding what I can apply that day, since I started a morning routine of reading a chapter in the morning.
Tom Bilyeu recommended I have a routine, and he’s the truth.
I feel better now.
It’s important to expose yourself to contrast.
I’m speaking in terms of minding not to over expose your brain to negative sh**.
Too much of that would have you thinking the whole world going to hell.
With the Internet customizing your search results based on your preference, social media just reaffirms your set of beliefs.
Whether they are valid or not.
So watch more positive stuff.
Read more inspiring stuff.
Like more uplifting posts.
Reshare more motivational shandis.
Manipulate the system in your favor.
Acknowledge the shit show you might be in, but lean in more to the life enriching ideology.
Especially when you realize what’s truly important in your life.
Beautifully explained in the movie I was chatting about with my sister, About Time.
I think discipline is self mastery.
I learnt that word “self mastery” from Fish Mooney.
There was a video where she was promoting mastering yourself.
Emotions are what makes us human.
It’s up to us to control them or they will control us.
I saw this cool thing while browsing the UFC videos on facebook.
There was a backstage interview they did.
Where a current fighter was giving props to a retired mma fighter.
Sometimes what you do inspires others.
Even when you’re not noticing that you are.
These days people only do good if someone is recording a video of them doing so.
It’s quite sad.
As if to say if noone sees the good I’m doing, then what’s the point.
Got to get those likes, you see?
So my plea is to do good.
Especially when no one’s looking.
Try to be the best version of yourself.
Whether there’s a phone recording you or not.
Try to be the best version of yourself, even if your current environment is trying to choke that out of you.
Let me start off by saying that relationships are funny.
Not funny “haha” but funny “ya neh.”
You’ll never get it right, all the time, 100% of the time.
I’m just thankful for the educational program I was on, with books and CDS on what relationships work.
Especially introducing me to books like Personality Plus and The 5 Love Languages, in that order preferably.
The way I was effing things up in my relationship with Thube, I’m not sure why she stuck with me for so long.
But those books helped me understand her and her, me.
Maybe the one thing we had going for us was that we both wanted us to work.
Even though I was sabotaging the relationship from the fear of losing someone who made me feel so good.
Let me explain:
Growing up, I taught myself not to be attached to events or things that made me feel good.
Because there was no guarantee that I was going to get them again.
Sometimes the parents had to work their butts off so my sister and I can have a taste of the good life.
So when good came in our household – in whatever form – I registered them as temporary.
I should expect a retake for a while, if ever.
Because I’m a clingy and sensitive SOB.
So enter Thube.
The name of that chapter in my life would be “The Psychologist.”
She flirted herself into a now 13 year relationship with me, that one.
It’s only in the past year or so that I’m STARTING to understand what makes her tick.
My love for knowledge and how things work makes this an infinite game.
I love games.
So I always try to improve where I can.
And that’s why I speak so highly about those books.
They definitely helped me understand myself better.
It helped me understand her better.
But I had to be open and be vulnerable first.
Something society sees as “unmanly.”
And as a chauvinist, humbling myself and practicing mutual respect is still a work in progress for me.