I’m an impulsive guy and I don’t believe in denying myself of anything I crave.
The one disclaimer is that it shouldn’t come at the expense of others.
A disclaimer I’ve been striving to live up to.
There are urges or repetitive habits we indulge in that makes us all “addicts.”
TV drama addicts.
Social media likes.
Staying at home.
In some shape or form we are all addicted to something.
It comes back to what Mr. Anthony Robbins said about being able to identify the emotional fulfillment you achieve from getting your next “fix”, will help you replace your addiction to one that works for you and not against you.
But I think the first step is to have the emotional intelligence Dr. Stephen R. Covey writes about of being aware of your “addictions”.
And being able to recognize whether they are working for you or not.
Then having the guts to put in the work needed to train your brain, over a period of time, in indulging in those habits (addictions) that will take you ahead in your life.
The things you repeatedly do or repeatedly don’t do, unconsciously and over time is the result of where you are right now.
Nkulunkulu wami, why is it that lapho engithi ngibamba khona, kuvese kunga bambeki?
Or are you teaching me not to be comfortable.
Because being comfortable means angiyi phambili nge lewe?
Mara uma ngithi ngibheka phambili, kule ndlela engi vaya kuyo, kumnyama.
Ngathi ugesi awukho le voor.
Ende ngiqonde khona daar.
Ngibheka ema sayi dini, ngibona kuzi bedela wees.
Angiboni ngathi kuzo phela.
Bengizo fasa ihand brake nou ngi jinde le lewe iqubeke phambili.
Hai wou ngi grend.
Mara ngivaya ne ncosi.
Akuna wou niks.
Kwamele ngishaye ngathi ngiya themba kuthi sizo fika lapho, engi fisela kuthi sizo fikela khona.
Ngoba, bona, mina ke Sehoja
Kubu Kubu entsa marota re o bone.
Ama Die Hard.
When I get obsessed with something or someone, I get really obsessed.
My grip becomes relentless.
I’m a hoarder.
When something feels good or fulfils something that I need, I hold on to it and I don’t let go.
This sometimes comes back to bite me in the ass.
Like a 5 year long job I held on to even though I could get a better paying job with improved working conditions elsewhere.
Or when someone distances themselves from me, I choose to completely ignore the tells and find a way to still stay “close” to them.
Some people are just to kind to blow me off.
I’m an emotional person.
I’m a very sensual person.
So knowing these facts about myself I tend to avoid human beings, because once I open up to someone, it very hard for me to let go of them.
So I walk around with a scowl on my face.
I’m very unapproachable.
I have my defensives up, because I’m so gullible.
I then want to find things that would make you happy, so that I can also ride that high that comes from your happiness.
This makes me want to make you happy even more.
It becomes like a drug.
I have a very negative outlook in life generally, so finding “fountains” of happiness is like treasure hunting for me.
And when I do, I hoard it.
When someone I love breaks away from me or their level of reciprocal love diminishes, I feel like the whole world is ending.
Just like how mom separated from my dad during my teens.
It turns out dad divorced my mom and not the other way around.
I used to blame her for the longest of time for that.
I believe that’s why I stayed for so long with a company that did not value me.
Because “breaking up” with it would trigger an emotion linked to a devastating memory.
I’m a masochist.
My pain-threshold is high, so even when I’m being rejected, I find ways to ignore and muscle on the delusion of being wanted (this is because, to me pain is pleasure).
When in truth my services are no longer required.
I taught my brain to associate pain with pleasure.
It’s like having sex, but with my brain.
Which sometimes leads me to making rash decisions that end up with me meeting up wonderful people.
The MacGyvers of this world.
The Steven Siegals.
The Chuck Norrises.
The Never Dies.
Bo James Bond…who I end up falling in love with, because I have a weak restraint when it comes to managing my emotions.
I’m Musawenkosi Tshoaele.
I’m due another one pager.
I do my best to write a blog that is at least 1 page long.
Something informative that you might gain from.
Usually I go back to one of my earlier posts to see what I can rehash, for the sake of updating my blog.
I usually like to add a picture or two just to add some weight or depth to my post.
It was something I read in one of his earlier “How to Blog” posts by Darren from ProBlogger.
Shoot, it’s been years since I mentioned him and I’m not too sure if Darren is as relatable as he was in 2012, but I’m sure he is.
But I learnt a whole lot about blogging from him and I learnt even more about writing from Dr. Joe Vitale, who also starred in The Secret.
The Secret was an awesome book, in the sense that it gives you the option to run with it.
By “it” I mean the idea of changing things for the better, through the Law of Attraction.
An introduction module if you will, not the by and all.
This led me to the true understanding of the law.
You can meditate and visualize and writing your goals down every day, but you need to take inspired action.
Just like me wanting to update my blog frequently.
Thinking about it, won’t change anything.
I need to do something about it.
Like writing a one page draft without any idea what the blog is going to be about.
And then subtly referring readers like yourself to links that might be helpful.
Because I’m being nice and these non-affiliated links is my way of buying my way to heaven because I’m a sinner.
Did you know that the devil is a concept that was created by Christianity?
It’s a Saturday, time to unplug and I need to blog.
Well, it was a Saturday when I wrote the 1st draft.
I hope I eventually did through one up before this one.
Shoot, I’m not sure.
I’ve been busy brooding over being abandoned that I haven’t been noticing much of life.
And what’s important.
Like you, reading this blog. You are important to me.
“We do not exist for ourselves …” – Thomas Merton
Not too sure what that quote means exactly but my guess is that you find your purpose when you look outside of yourself.
The meaning of life or whatever.
I think a lot, I like really overthink stuff and I end up too focused on myself and end up listening to my negative self-talk over and over again like a broken record.
So my game-plan to counter that was to shift my thinking to a positive mindset, so that I can at least see the glass as half full.
Joking around with my mates about how hard life is didn’t help with improving much either.
Life is only as hard as we make it…
Which is so much bullshit, because life is just plain hard.
It’s just a matter of finding a way around it, or a work around so that you don’t find yourself being beat all the time.
“When life knocks you down, land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. – Les Brown”
My self-medication, well my constructive one anyways, includes blogging about stuff I really want to believe.
Shit that doesn’t have me wanting to drown my sorrows all the time as an antidepressant or craving for sex so I can jump start my dopamine fix.
Finding a corner to curl up in the fetal position so I can cry my worries away has not done much to improve my life either.
I think I’m just angry and I’m projecting instead of seeking counselling.
Sense 8 was right when they said violence has a gender.
Even if in my case it’s internalized.
Musa the masochist.
The pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain cycle I trap myself in.
A cycle I call my life.
A cycle I manage to break free from by writing blogs like these.
Because you save my life, you see…
…and I love you for that.
Because I’m an emotional Cancerian that likes to hoard nice things.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
It left me tongue tied
You left me tongue tied around your waistline.
You wore me like a safety belt.
The green one for prosperity because you had me digging for gold…
…with my tongue...
…tied around your waistline like a safety belt.
You were my safe place.
Nothing could hurt me because they couldn’t find me through the multiverse portal I found
Between your thighs
The wealth of information as I spoke with interdimensional beings
With my mouth making sure your doors stay open
So you can feel the heat from my breath
Heat from the way I speaking to you
As I was wrestling with you
Finding the keyhole to unlock you
Again and again
Until you opened up to me
And I drank from your overflowing well
And I drank you whole
Before returning you back to him…