Feed

Hands are shaking

Sweating

Migraine beating

Forehead rubbing

Breathing

Through my nose

Ngiyi fak’ema khaleni

And I sniff it

Just enough for the next hour

I need the energy

To maintain the lie

I would rather be high

So I can have you inside of me

Always

All the time

The need

To feed

On you

Line after line

Until my nosebleeds

~ Musa

One Of The Reasons I Love My Daughter

The problem with me is that I don’t like to be told what to do.

I think that’s why I don’t do church anymore.

Anything left-wing is my cup of tea.

I try going with the flow, for the sake of peace, but down the line, I start to feel uneasy about being a follower.

It gets hard to breath you know?

It’shard for my personality to act the part of a person who follows obediently.

When fucking shit up brings me so much joy.

I think that’s one of the many reasons why I love my daughter.

~ Musa

Who Have You Equipped Today?

So today is yet another day…oh yeah I now remember what I wanted to blog about.

Equipping was a word Dr J. Maxwell taught me in his book, The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership: Follow Them and People Will Follow You.

I didn’t realize the different meaning of the word until he explained it to me.

I won’t be able to re-explain it exactly the way he did, but I’ll try.

Maxwell wrote about how he taught the staff, at his favorite restaurant, how he would like to be served.

It made sense.

I mean, if you value my business, as a patron, then you need to serve me the way I like. So that I can keep me as a customer.

How he would like to be treated from the moment he enters the restaurant, how things should be laid out for him during his stay, all the way up until he leaves.

Maxwell equipped them on how they can better keep him as a customer.

It’s a win-win situation, like Dr. S. Covey described in The 7 Steps to Highly Effective People.

Maxwell has a pleasant experience being services and they get to keep this internationally influential customer under their belt.

I decided to try this “equipping” idea on a colleague.

Integrity is one of my highest values, so when I loan you money and you say you will pay me back tomorrow, only for you to come up with a story when tomorrow comes, it violates one of my highest values.

It’s an insult to me.

And I don’t like to be disrespected.

Respect being another of my other top values.

So I gave it a shot.

My colleague asked for money from me again, and said he will pay me back at theend of our shift.

The time came when the reimbursement was due, and like a creature of habit, he asked if he can pay me tomorrow.

I replied that I could wait for tomorrow.

It caught him by surprise, usually I just say yes and allow people like him to walk all over me.

I didn’t feel like being a doormat that day.

I asked if I heard him right when he said he was going to pay me back at the end of our shift.

He said he did. I then asked what happened.

An question he couldn’t answer.

He proceeded gearing his mind and actions towards paying me back, like he said.

The way he threw the money back in my hands, was not with the same grace I loaned him with.

Which was fine, because it sets up one for two possible future scenarios:

  1. Next time he feels the need to request something from me, he just won’t.
  2. Next time he feels the need to request something from me, he knows he would need to deliver on time.

He has been equipped.

He might try me a few more times so he can try his luck.

I would then need to be consistent with my equipping him.

It puts me in a place of power and control. I hate being reactive.

How about you?

~ Musa

Aluta Continua

South Africa has been hit by a series of violence of late.

There have been xenophobic attacks.

I’m sure Twitter and YouTube will give you enough clips that will give you an idea of what has been happening.

What’s more painful have been the brutal violence and rape against South African women and children.

Every year around Women’s Month in August, this happens.

It’s as if all year round, nothing happens in relation to this, then come August…

…where the focus should be on celebrating women, we take a detour and focus on rape and femicide. Something that should be addressed daily.

It’s so fucked how the women are inconsolable.

It reminded me of a friend who was in an abusive relationship but did not have the strength to leave, at the time.

She eventually did.

Just like my mom.

The abuse she endured (emotionally and physically) led her leaving an environment that was constantly attacking her.

I used to blame her for leaving us (me and sister).

But now I see that it wasn’t an easy decision for her to make.

And while my world was on fire this past week, I was walking through it being reminded of my experiences with it.

Too relatable, and very close to home.

When even our own country banned…silenced those that tried to speak up about it.

It’s disgusting.

It angers me.

And self defeating.

It’s not acceptable.

It’s not normal.

You deserve better.

I pray that the exposure this is getting will give other women to find within themselves, the strength to leave abusive relationships.

The strength the women I referred to found through their children and the latter through her faith.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa

Nothing Beats The Grind

After 2-3 weeks of submitting a minimum of 10 resumes a day, I finally got a job. My fiance’s family fed me during the holidays hustle.

A very humbling experience since I am a prideful man.

I don’t like getting handouts because in my life I’ve come to find that most handouts come with an IOU tag.

I don’t want to be indebted to anyone.

So being in the position I was in, made me grind harder.

I think I sent out those CVs and with me going to interviews between.

Some interviews where scams, some promising. But I kept submitting them promising or not.

Most people start slowling where nearing the finish line.

I slow down once I cross it.

Hell, I even turned to reading the bible.

You know shit’s hit the fan when I pick up “the book.”

It kept me going. That and seeing the unbothered smile on my daughter’s face.

She hit the side of her eye, that one, playing in the playgrounds at cresche.

Had to get stitched. Busy walking around with an eye the size of a golf ball. To put it mildly, she was not impressed seeing the world with one eye.

But I’m glad I was there to assist with the healing process.

But it was her mom that kept me above water mainly. There’s no one I appreciated more, beyond words even, than her, during this period.

I felt stripped of my title as a provider.

As a man, if I cannot provide for my family, what am I?

Feeling lost, going to bed with a broken heart. I was without purpose and I felt depressed.

The need to feel needed by corporate was overwhelming. Which felt like a contradiction because I promote the idea of owning your own business.

A purposeless, non providing, hypocrite of the a man.

And I knew if I start hating myself then there won’t be any improvement in my life.

So I kept my black ass working to keep from thinking negative thoughts.

Because my thinking was shit.

It worked, at face level.

But for lasting results, I need that deep kinda loving.

That only I can provide from the inside out.

The grind paid off.

Now employed on a probationary basis.

Work ethic + being intentional + the law of averages working in my favour produced results.

With prayer and work ethic, something’s got to give.

And it did.

As expected.

~ Musa

PS. This was a delayed post. My baby girl is all healed up now. Mischievous as hell. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Celebrate Your “Little Wins”

I’ve been having subtle wins this year, and I haven’t been sharing them on my blog.

I’m sorry about that.

The diagnosis for my daughter has been taking most of my energy.

I’m not the first or the last to have given birth to a child with special needs. This whole experience has changed my perspective about people with disorders.

It made me appreciate those who care for them even more. It was more of the mental work I was going through, more than anything else, that has me reeling.

I shared with a friend how I have mixed emotions about where I am right now, in my life.

Feelings of shame, regret, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, anger, blame, joy, happiness, pride, excitement, significance, responsibility, humility.

But the very first of the emotions I felt when I got the news was denial.

“She’s just a child.”

“She’ll eventually start speaking soon. Maybe when she turns 4.”

“Children are supposed to be hyper active, they are young.”

But getting a diagnosis from a speech therapist, as well as an occupational therapist, as well as a neuro-paediatrician, all coming to the same autistic conclusion, can’t be disputed.

My ignorance of this disorder, the fear of this unknown, a fear I couldn’t run from, led me to fighting it. This prolonged the therapy necessary to better manage the condition, unnecessarily.

Did you know that there is an autism spectrum?

Where they decide how severe the autism is?

What is autism?

The brochure I got from the counselling we got from, Gloria, the lady that runs Autism South Africa says:

“An Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a lifelong condition that affects the way a person communicated and relates to people around them.

People with an ASD have difficulty on relating to others in a meaningful way.

Their ability to develop friendships is generally limited as is their capacity to understand other people’s emotional expression.

Some people, but not all, have accompanying learning disabilities.

All people with an ASD have impairments in social interaction, social communication and imagination.…”

It’s like learning a new language this thing.

How I relate to her to how I thought I would relate to her, to how I should.

She’s a toddler, sommer needs to add that to the mix as well.

So the majority of my year has been finding coping mechanisms.

Some healthy, most…not so healthy.

But the bottom line is how all my energies were focused in that area of my life, and this led to me neglecting this blog.

Bringing me back to this update.

I’ve been rewriting my goals down almost every day.

(It should be every day I know, but I’m working on it.)

So, with me silently working on attracting these things on my goal list, however improbable, I have managed to achieve some of them.

I was just testing a theory that Napoleon Hill’s Law of Success: The 21st-Century Edition documented.

I wanted my fiancé’s car to be settled. We had another year to go until that was going to happen.

I hate waiting, and the persistent calls she was getting from the bank asking her to make payment for it was draining both our energies.

Guess what, after about 4 months of me writing this as one of my goals, unbeknownst to her, she managed to attract the funds to have the car settled last month!

What are the chances that something I was writing about achieving, without her knowing, could really come true just like that!!

Another of my “little wins” was how I managed to get my phone back from the repair guy.

The iPad my daughter shattered was also repaired.

We were gifted 2 Nutrilite Omega 3 packs, which I also had on my list. I actually had one, but the universe – through Dr York Liu, gave us 2.

I needed a new Hymm Shaving Razor. Which we got as well.

Small things that I’ve been writing about, without anyone knowing, are coming into my life.

Through various and interesting ways. Wins that need to be celebrated, especially how the car got settled.

That is brilliance at its best.

But more importantly, it’s the way that these goals have been attracted that gives me hope and hopefully, courage to ask for bigger goals.

You should give it a go.

~ Musa

There’s No Exit Strategy

For the longest of time I’ve been dreaming of an exit strategy.

As in, I will reach a certain point in my life where I will sit back and relax.

Doing nothing that will make me reach a higher level of living.

Where I would be satisfied with my lot.

Where I would have “peace.”

But that bubble was burst when John Maxwell said something in an interview he did with Ed Mylett.

It’s one of the things I fight about with my wife to be.

I’m not proud of it.

She always sees us progressing and wanting more for the family.

I’m of the belief that we should live below our means, and expand our means.

But this is a form of procrastination she feels.

Standing still defies nature.

Nature is always moving, growing, developing and changing.

The peace I’m referring to can only be achieved through death.

And even then my body will decay and rot until I’m all clothes and bones.

There is no threshold that I would reach.

Were I could hold on to my success for the rest of my life.

Life won’t allow me to because things are forever changing.

Nothing stays the same.

I always pride myself for going with the trend of universal laws.

But I now realize that I’ve been sabotaging myself.

Shooting myself in the foot.

Life has been challenging lately because I’ve been going against “the flow.”

There’s fun to be had in progress.

There’s fun to be had in process.

I need to remember that.

And to apologize to the wife.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Musa