"Why Don’t You Come To Church Anymore?"

I have been attracting this question most of the time I go to my uncle’s place.

A religious family they are, with my uncle holding a senior position with the church.

The Old Apostolic Church.

With constant visits from church followers, who seem to allows come attached with the question “why don’t you come to church anymore?” every time the come across me there.

Answering that question came to be hard for me because…I mean, with my level of awareness right now, where to I start?

It is then my reasons come to be presented as excuses to them, with me leaving the conversation mortified…crucified (hehe excuse the pun) due to my inability of presenting my case, my truth as adequately as possible.

Because after all it IS a matter of Truth. Keeping in mind My Truth may, at times, not be Your Truth.

And it’s amazing how others want to instil their truth in you because their truth have set them “free.”

And questioning this truth – that is, Their truth – would be like questioning their freedom.

Something hold on to for the salvation of their soul, something they consider sacred and God-given.

Even though I might find liberation in sourcing out the answers to these “unquestionable questions” they work so hard to protect, because ignorance is bliss.

They are happy not knowing and want me to confirm to this “happiness” through, for lack of a better paradox, their false truths, all the while instilling fear in me in the name of love.

“Because God is to feared.”

“Because the Bible says so. And we base our teachings here in the church from scriptures taken from the Bible.”

“Because God said so. See X chapter Y verse Z to AA.”

The very same bible that was edited time and time again for MY best interests.

Like watching a movies with missing scences so not to mislead my mind with the words of God.

The very judgemental, envious God who has laid down the 10 commandments for me to follow, and who Also has given me free will and the power to choose what I want.

Because a repeatedly edited bible do me so?

Preaching the gospel according to selected verse, neglecting others.

Bestow human characterists on such an awesome Source of All by making Her love conditional because imaging a God who loves without condition is too magnificent to accept.

A God who regardless of how many times you curse Him forever waits for Her to call on It for help.

Always, ALWAYS ready to guide you out of your self constructed pits of fear, sadness, misery, lack, depression, anxiety and worry.

No the church teaches you how you should fear a loving God because if you don’t not only are you going to hell, but She will torture your soul for eternity.

Because will bring down a vengeful wrath for making the wrong choices in life, the life She gave you to experience with a free will to do as you wish.

Even though in the bible He gave us the 10 commandments to follow.


Free will…?

Fearing a Loving God…?

A God that loves with condition…?

A church that encourages me to love my fellow men by teaching to fear God. Creator of All. And how I must tell them to do just like I do and work for the salvation of their souls.

I take it their are damned if they don’t.

How inviting.

I have to say what did turn me on about going to church was how they stuck to how God lives in us.

In my head I seemed to picture this young, looking cacausian the size of an action figure, with a long brown beard and blurring facial faces in a white robe, standing with his open palms facing me.

That was why depiction of my soul, how cute of me.

Then the guy on the altar loses the whole plot by telling of how I should love that which I fear and fear that which I love, and sacrificise my time for It for an hour – just an hour? – everyday in praising It.

Then at the end of service I must come to accept/ acknowledge the shame I feel with me not leaving up to the standards set by the church of how I should please God.

I see now why one should hold to their own Truth or seek to find them.

The boundaries set by my church on ways I should God, the reasons behind this and the foundations these principles are based on, to me, are not in alignment with the freedom I know God is.

I Know this the way I Know most things and their relationship to me, and that is through feeling.

Something this fear-based world ridicules as inferior, hence the shape, condition, and state this world is in.

I don’t do church no more because I found it a limiting expression of my love for God.

And how the kept dissing everyone else, but that I mean people outside the congregation, just pissed me off. Watching how the elders taught the coming generation was the exclamation point.

With all that I choose to see at church how could I then continue to insult my soul with me pitching up everytime?

So to please my relatives at the expense of my happiness?

I choose not to.

It is after all A Matter Of Choice.

– Musawenkosi Tshoaele

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