Christmas & Autism

Yesterday was crazy (25/12/2019).

It was a family function, and unlike the wedding trip we took with my Omu who is autistic, this time it was a Christmas family gathering.

With her sensory overloads and hyperactivity, it was difficult doing my best to manage her. But more importantly I also had to manage my emotions as well.

Especially with the “abantu bazo thini” (what will people say) pull going.

We are also giving her CBD Oil, two 0.25 mg drops of it.

One at 7am.

The second at 7pm.

All in the name of better helping her manage this special technique most call autism.

Especially when it comes to reducing anxiety.

We were on risperdal before, to reduce how her brain keeps firing which increases her hyperactivity.

So this change of medication added with attending a family function was obviously going to make this “try out” day an eventful one.

My Omu is 3 years of age and is particular in what she likes. Strict maybe. Borderline obsessive?

And she will keep playing repeatedly once she finds something new to play with, like repeatedly.

Did I say she enjoys repetitive play?

New things that she can predict or control their outcome brings her as sense of calmness or peace, perhaps?

Whatever she gains from it, she will keep stimulating that dopamine hit for as long as she can.

Things got intense when the pool was involved.

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My daughter loves water guys.

So the family that was hosting us had a big people pool but also got a kiddies pool as well.

She got in the kiddies pool with a life jacket we had borrowed from her cousin (just in case she decided to be adventurous and run into the big pool).

She was in there with her cousin, then her mom decided to join them.

Good times.

Splashing away and all, but her mom was controlling the amount of splashes so that Omu can still have fun, but to also manage the intensity of the fun so our baby doesn’t get too overstimulated. Yeah, it’s a big thing in the Autism world.

Over stimulation upset her. See this vid to see what I mean.

That’s her standing because she loved the splashes but it was a bit overwhelming and at the same time she was really enjoying herself, that’s why she’s still in the pool and didn’t run out.

It’s was beautiful.

Until my baby started shivering.

A World War was going to begin, because you remember I told you she likes repetitive play?

So “evil” dad and “evil” mom had to stop the fun she was having, for the sake of her health.

To her, the unexpected interruption of her play, made her go berserk.

Some were concerned, and only a couple of her aunt’s tried to help. She was having a full swing meltdown.

This is the first time they saw her act this way in real time.

We forgot how sudden changes make her upset, and now since she’s non-verbal, her way of communicating her distress is through throwing a tantrum.

Or is it a meltdown? I need to find what the difference is.

The specialist suggested we give her a heads up before time we change from one activity to another.

Preparing her, or even doing a countdown like as in telling her that in 5 minutes time, we would need to stop playing with water because we are getting cold.

So that it doesn’t come as a shock to her.

Another challenge was that her other cousins were still having fun playing and yet we wanted her to stop.

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The injustice of it all, could have been another contributing factor to her protest.

I took her out, kicking and screaming and slapping, only for her to move over to the big people pool.

Joy…

Also filled with the older kids having fun there, making it even more desirable for my sensory seeking little Beasty.

Had to negotiate with her because se was standing at the edge of the deep end of the pool, while we were following her around, so I moved her to the steps at the entrance.

I got in with casual my shorts and all, so I could ensure her safety.

See, even though there were people that could have watch over her in the pool, I decided to go in with her because we’re so used to not relying much on people when it comes to her care and safety.

You should have seen her dip her one foot in, then out again.

Getting the feel of the water texture and temp.

Then she tried it with her other foot, and out again.

So fucken cute that was.

Eventually she got both in.

And all else was a blur. She was my world.

Nothing else existed.

Baby was getting the shivers again.

Lucky, the backyard had a mini play area. So I took her there to sort of “quarantine” her.

So it was a mini picnic of sorts.

Not a bad Christmas at all, even though we had to fight whenever she wanted to go back to the where all the fun was.

The day taught me a lot.

Tiring as it was.

Sometimes I need to let her discover the world her way and not be too much of a prison guard.

I also saw a lot of me in her as well.

Which is very fascinating.

Her mom did a lot of damage control in the background and made the day a success.

She does most of the work when it comes to raising Omu so she did deserve a break for the day.

Me and Omuhle Siphosethu Tshoaele wouldn’t be where we are without her.

As nerve-wrecking as it was, it was a good day.

Hiding her from the world doesn’t makes sense.

Reminds me of that Float movie on Disney+.

~ Musa

Are Your Among The Undead?

withGod needs praising.

I know this sounds weird from someone who has one foot in and one foot out when it comes to Christianity.

Actually it’s not God I have beef with but Christianity.

Most see them as one in the same.

But I always like to be clear that you can have one without the other, especially when it comes to what you define God as.

Something I felt throughout my jaded teachings in church.

An understanding I needed clarity on that I found in “Conversations with God.”

Thank you Nombali Ntuli for the recommended read.

It is with God that All things are possible.

Growing with understanding of what God really is, I feel, is a personal growth that you can share with others.

But it shouldn’t be gospel.

Although, I believe church is necessary.

The endless metaphors – open to a variety of interpretation – that become doctrine, are sprinkled throughout the Bible.

Hence the various churches we have.

Variety is good.

It’s good because Tony says it’s good.

Tony likes Conor.

I don’t like Conor.

Maybe it’s because I don’t know his story.

I know Tony’s story though.

So Conor is good people then.

It hit me this morning how acknowledging the existence of a source, the original source of everything, gives you power.

I call it God.

Some call it Energy.

Some call it the Universe.

It’s All this and so much more.

That continued acknowledgment of this All and how you are a physical extension of the non-physical, which is bigger than you.

Since it exists in everything that exists.

Sometimes we carry these “crosses” on our shoulders, believing we are in this alone.

In this “adulting” thing or period of challenge or discomfort alone.

This misconception makes this life experience we are having a tough experience, for some.

But I’m sure you don’t fall in that category.

The unlimited strength that comes from praising and being in a state of genuine gratitude of God, reignites your enthusiasm.

hqdefaultThe flavor of life becomes lost if all you do is just ploughing along, day in and day out, “zombifies” you.

You become linear.

The undead.

Because you “have” to do it and not because you love to do it.

You need to wake up for the love and not for the obligation.

Things are done half-heartedly when you have to do them, but people go above and beyond when people do what they love.

It’s a fire and brimstone journey going for what you love.

You need to keep going though.

You need to go through it.

The ridicule.

The humiliation.

The stoning.

The process.

For you to be born anew.

Something your old self needs to die for.

Like that other guy did on the cross?god

He did it.

Died for what he believed in.

A life of purpose.

I think we need of that in our lives.

A life of purpose, as opposed to a life of routine.

Purpose is life.

Routine is death.

~ Musa

PS: Compliments of the New Season

Start Attacking What You Fear

There’s something wrong with Stephen King.

I love his books and movie adaptations.

The guy is just loco.

I’m rewatching IT.

Freaking scary stuff.

I want to watch the sequel, because it has that guy from Wanted or was it Split, I think it was X-Men (James McAvoy).

I don’t like scary movies, I don’t like the hold they have over me.

So that’s why I would watch one.

I don’t like being intimidated.

I need to attack my fears.

Because Will Smith said so.

He said he attacked what he feared.

Will Smith used to make dope movies…but now…I don’t know man. It makes me sad.

But he makes great YouTube videos though.

At least there’s that.

~ Musa

You Need to Take The World

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its entire life believing it’s stupid.”

It’s important to take every advice or comment or instruction you get, with a bit of salt.

Question everything until it makes sense to you.

Screw “this is how it was done for a long time, so you just have to do it too” mentality.

Only when you understand it, then go ahead and do it.

Not before.

This will put you in firing line because you are going against the norm.

Most are too afraid to go against a backward system and they will figuratively crucify you.

Make your stand.

Do things only when they make sense to you.

You need to lead them into a new understanding.

You need to take the world my Brightburn.

~ Musa

Eyes Tell No Lies…Until They Do…

IMG-20191214-WA0020I sent a buddy of mine, a graduate mind you (because I hang around professionals), a recent photo of myself at office.

The air-con was on so I needed to put on my “Eskimo jacket.”

I looked so tired in it.

Well, my eyes looked tired.

My eyes used to radiate excitement and fun and joy and laughter, passion even.

I see those eyes in my older pics.

That fire in my eyes has slowly dimmed.

My supervisor in the short-term insurance telemarketing job I had in Randburg, mentioned how I smiled with my eyes.

I think my eyes I tired of telling lines, and are just reflecting what I feel in my heart.

Sadness.

What’s making you sad?”

I don’t know.

Or maybe I do and I just don’t want to admit it.

Admitting it will free me from this sadness that now feels so warm.

Pain addict.

A colleague said that’s a toxic way of living.

I’ll be way from work for the next 6 days, I hope that I will find ways of getting my shit in order.

Or I should maybe consult with one of these professionals I’ve been bragging about.

I’ve been reading Breaking the Habit of Being YourselfHow to Love Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. Joe Dipenza.

This book is striking almost every nerve I have in relation to my current head space. It’s a difficult read because I need the information that’s coming across from it.

Maybe once I’m done, my eyes won’t look as tired as my heart is.

~ Musa

To What End?

I’m not sure about you but when I’m feeling down I tend to look for a feeling of significance on the Internet.

I sometimes find it by generating traffic to whatever online footprint I have.

Generating traffic, from the little I know, comes from consistent updating of quality content…over time.

I used to think one or two updates was going to make me traffic generating king.

But it doesn’t work that way.

I mean, to what end?

What is your goal?

For exposure?

To make money?

What’s plan?

Reverse engineer that shit.

Gary Vaynerchuck said it best…when he said…whatever man, Gary is just an awesome human being, please follow him…

…yes, this blog was basically about Gary and how awesome he is.

Please check out his latest podcast on his website.

You thought I was going to write something deep neh?

Maybe next time, stay tuned 🙂

~ Musa

I Dare You To Instagram The Bad Days Too…

It’s not about changing circumstances to solve the problem.

The problem is not as clear cut as changing jobs or adding other income sources.

It’s more of getting my next dopamine hit.

I’m unhinged.

My highs are not as high as before.

My dips are getting deeper.

The need in the form of using sex and alcohol as a drug is getting stronger.

Unless I find an alternative.

These are just manifestations of an underlining issue I’m avoding.

A constant, prolonging pain that is foreign to the body but has made itself at home.

With my consent?

Maybe subconsciously.

Anything that would free me of its existence, through antidepressants or dopamine stimulation is openly accepted.

The need for pleasure driving me away from pain.

Making me a master at attracting that anything and everything that will bring me pleasure.

In unhealthy ways…

Now with all this self-analysis and still not doing shit about it, makes all this a useless exercise.

But this is life, you need to own the bad days as much as you Instagram the good ones.

~ Musa