Cabin Fever

What’s up in Musa’s life right now?

I say this as if I’m a celebrity.

I am against reality TV shows but I keep writing up blogs for anyone to read.

How hypocritical of me.

But I think if you write anything online or upload videos then that’s some form of narcissism right?

But fuck it, even if it is, so what?

In other news, Corona is booming on my side of the world, how goes things on your end?

In the mix of all these rising cases, the government is opening schools, with limited students. Because having less students will not get them infected by the virus, you understand?

Only to have these schools closed again.

Same goes for churches.

They have been given the go-ahead as well.

But only a few can attend.

Not more than 50 people in a gathering because Corona can only infect from the 51st person and above, skipping everyone below because COVID-19 has OCD.

Truth be told, I was among the people downplaying this pandemic.

But honestly speaking, there have been times even now when I feel like the government is pushing their own agendas at our expense.

Someone is benefiting from keeping us in a state of fear.

It’s easier to be controlled when you are scared.

There was a time when I was asking, “who do you know has this alleged virus?”

That has now turned to “who do you not know that has it?”

Even blaming Bill Gates for having created a virus so that he can sell the antidote, I mean the vaccine, to governments around the world.

While I had no tangible proof either than my LRT.

People are angry.

Well, I am.

From having to be told when to drink.

Heck, I was even thinking of going back to smoking but they’ve banned that as well.

Reopening schools and then closing them again.

float

With talks about a second wave hitting other countries, and I’m sure we are going to get the backlash from that as well.

The next pandemic being unemployment, me being affected as well, it’s a fucken circus.

Add load shedding to the mix and it’s a bloody Cirque du Soleil.

A systematic, national power cut executed one by the only national energy supplier, to lessen the amount of strain endured by the faulty, outdated power plants, that supply the whole country with electricity.

For the past 13 years…13 years of a problem that they don’t want to fix.

Build new power plants.

Maintain the ones you have.

Look into alternative sources of energy.

No, the solutions for this 13-year-old problem is to demand the taxpayers for more money to bail them out of a problem that could have been avoided.

The state-owned energy company, Eskom, states that they can’t fix this problem due to limited funds and has been requesting bailouts from the government every year without fail.

There was around R500 billion that was given to the South African government to aid with the COVID-19 crisis.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Eskom has convenient power plant difficulties, resulting in more load-shedding so to strong-arm the country into bailing them out again for 2021.

Probably threatening to cut jobs just to sweeten the deal.

The current “ransom” requested was around R112 billion.

I am not including the bailout requested by the South African Airways or the South African Broadcasting Corporation.

It’s like me owning 3 companies that keep firing the company presidents but still maintaining the same board of directors, asking me to bail them out from bankruptcy.

what.

the.

fuck?

Maybe I’m just too sober for all the stuff that has been happening of late.

#LiftTheBan

~ Musa

Shit Left Unsaid

It gets quite.

And in that silence, when my thoughts are not occupied by something, my thoughts drift.

Like a 1 ply toilet paper, that shit floats and travels and drifts and lands.

And rests.

On things it shouldn’t.

Empty things that don’t have value because they don’t value you back.

An unspoken agreement between the two of us.

An agreement I keep breaking because I see the value.

Which contradicts my values.

As I play make-believe and have imaginary conversations in my head, with a ghost.

Haunting me like Toby…but shorter.

~ Musa

?????

Today was a bit more stressful than usual.

I’m not sure if it was the cold, minimum degrees was -3 and maximum was 9, or me comparing Sethu to her peers.

Nthabiseng scolded me about that gutter mindset.

That woman kept me on the straight and narrow regarding the mindset a parent should have about their child.

Especially when they need specialized care.

So my whole body was tense while my baby girl was in the bedroom on her tablet.

We only have one heater and she was using it.

Daddy was freezing his butt off in the meantime.

My body just became so tight, bracing myself from the cold even though I thought I had enough clothes on.

I even swore at my little Viking during her outburst after finishing up on a call.

Mind you, she’s hyperactive, according to the diagnosis from her pediatrician.

ADHD they say.

So I gave her some candy and the sugar high affects her differently from other kids.

And I then turnaround and reprimand her for my fuck up?

img-20200613-wa0006
#Throwback to when she was less than a year old here.

It made me feel like shit.

It’s so fucken tiring.

Balancing my emotions and understanding hers.

And I can’t afford to be tired.

Not when it comes to her.

And the beat goes on.

~ Musa

How’s Your Settlement?

AC-Valhalla-screengrab

During my slow drive out with her, it came to me that most of us are in professions we have no business being in.

I know this guy, not much of a people person, but has risen to a high leadership level at his church.

A respected leader of a congregation.

They weren’t messing around when they said He works in miraculous ways.

I then turned the spotlight on myself.

Talking a lot is foreign to me, to the point of exhaustion really.

I don’t care much about going out, so I think I was born for this so-called pandemic.

My ego makes it hard for me to be apologetic.

My baby sister also confirmed that I’m self-centered.

My wife confirmed that I’m selfish and lack compassion.

If introvert, chauvinist male had a picture in the dictionary, I would be it.

And with all that said, I hold a job as a customer service rep.

Guys whose job is to apologize and be compassionate and emphatic from the start of the shift until knock-off time.

Maybe that’s why #TGIF became a thing.

Or in my case, my days off.

Musa “When are we off again?” Tshoaele.

It just made me wonder.

And curious.

Also confused.

Why do we put ourselves through this?

Things that feel “off.”

Is that what is meant when people say, “they are making a living”?

“As long as it pays the bills.”

Settling?

~ Musa

 

It Was That Fucken Forehead of Yours

Did You Know:
Hydrocephalus – Also called: water on the brain
A build-up of fluid in the cavities deep within the brain.
 
The extra fluid puts pressure on the brain and can cause brain damage.
It’s most common in infants and older adults.
 
Hydrocephalus is characterised by head enlargement in infants.
 
Adults and older children experience headache, impaired vision, cognitive difficulties, loss of coordination and incontinence.
 
Treatment is often a tube (shunt) inserted surgically into a ventricle to drain excess fluid.

***

Maybe a week.

Or a couple of days without speaking.

But never more than a month.

Shit doesn’t feel normal.

I think I’m losing my mind.

Fuck.

But she was in tears.

She saw how withdrawn I’ve become.

I blamed her but honestly, I was to blame.

It had nothing to do with her, I was just thinking about myself.

Because I’m greedy.

But it felt good, what was I supposed to do.

It went from 0 to 100 quick.

That shit took off like a runaway slave.Siwa.jpg

And then, and then she asked, “are you going to call me back again right?”

“Like Fuck yeah!”

That’s what I really wanted to say.

But I ended up saying,

“I’ll try.”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll think about it.”

And she would reply, “Okay then, so I’ll hear from you soon then. Bye.”

I fucken hated falling for her.

…I can see why he married you.

~ Musa

Finding What Works For You

20200522_092037The challenge is that with the neurological condition my daughter has, most things feel weird to her.

She’s oversensitive.

In her case, it’s a matter of experiencing what’s known as a sensory overload.

Certain fabrics feel weird on her skin.

Including wearing face masks.

I can’t fully begin to imagine how she sees the world.

But I can always try.

~ Musa

The Beauty Is In The Detail

unnamedI use my phone to write the drafts of my blogs, most of the time.

I should be writing more now compared to the phone I was using at the beginning.

The screen was so tiny and the editing… a nightmare.

I’m grateful for the new (not so new) phone I have now.

Yes, the screen is cracked.

Again.

The things is, I managed to get the screen “repaired” a while back, but now I’m not able to adjust the brightness settings on the phone screen.

So it’s permanently on the brightest setting.

This used to make for beautiful light shows during my taxi rides back home from my evening shifts.

When my creativity was at its highest.

Busy blinding other passengers on either side of me.

I’m sure they were probably wondering why I don’t dim my phone.

Oh well, they will be strong.

IMG_2020-02-12-05551266I’m addicted to the Pokemon Go  App game, which not only uses the Internet but also my mobile’s GPS feature.

These contributing elements have done a number on my mobile battery strength.

With my phone going from 100% to 0% in under 2 hours as opposed to 16 hours.

I need to attract a new phone.

Something else I’ve noticed is that I’ve been insecure about myself for a while now.

Shit, I can’t even make eye contact with myself in the mirror.

I can hear my heart racing when I do. Probably one of the reasons I don’t like taking Snapchat-1246795292pictures of myself.

Oh my bad, I meant to say selfies.

I’ve taken a liking to Snapchat though.

The filters though make me look too feminine.

That’s code for “the filters on Snapchat make me look gay.”

I would have made a pretty gay dad though.

Speaking about being a dad, my Omu has taken most of my attention.

As a 1st time dad, and ignorant in the field of raising an autistic child, saying that things have been rough is an understatement.

But that’s not to say that there haven’t been times of unbelievable joy as well you know?

The thing that fascinates me about this barrier (you notice my use of language? It fascinates. It doesn’t frustrate) is the psychologically around it.

The history.

The various degrees of it. Or in this case the spectrum levels.

From severe to non-severe.

My melancholy side tends to love the details.

The beauty is in the details.

But over information leads to overwhelm.

That has been me for most of this year.

I’m living in a stressful time right now.

But then again who isn’t right?

Regular doses of stress, I find, keep you going.

Keeping you moving and taking action.

Stress energy is potential power that you could release through daily activities that produce results for you.

Activities that I’ve been neglecting.

Simple activities like being grateful.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Like the food you eat.

We’ve grown numb to blessing our food before we eat.

Not realizing how fortunate you are to have such options available to you.

Being grateful daily should be a flex.

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” ~ Oprah Winfrey 

Sometimes we have to live in the idea of living as though your prayers have been answered.

Stress makes you think emotionally.

Most “bad” results are made from emotional decisions.

So a “change of state” is advised before making decisions.

~ Musa

13 Secret Lessons from That Book You Like So Much

The title was supposed to have been 13 Secret Lessons from Jesus but like Job, I’m having a love-hate relationship with my faith, so there.

  1. Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ~ Matthew 7:7
  2. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. ~ Matthew 5:8
  3. …We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ~ Romans 8:37
  4. …Under His wings you will find refuge: His faithfulness will be your shield. ~ Psalm 91:4
  5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:5
  6. Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ~ Hebrews 11:1
  7. God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble ~ Psalm 46:1
  8. Do not be anxious about anything… ~ Philippians 4:6
  9. Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. ~ Psalm 55:22IMG-20190412-WA0000
  10. Be kind one to another. ~ Ephesians 4:32
  11. Never stop praying ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:17
  12. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been. ~ Hebrews 12:11
  13. But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible… ~ Matthew 19:26

~ Musa

 

Taking Control Can Be Scary Sometimes…

It’s my day off.

And guess what am I doing?

I just powered up my work laptop, and started going over my work emails.

My mind wanders to places and people I shouldn’t be wandering towards, whenever I’m idle.

Even though I miss them, terribly.

I always used to wonder how cool it would be working from home.

I should have been more specific in my wonder because I got what I wanted but at a cost.sethu

Not to mention the change of lifestyle my daughter has to endure, with all these restrictions in movement and not being able to go to nursery school.

And now with me answering customer calls and, now recently, managing the customer inbox, while accommodating her autistic and ADHD mannerisms – over and above this pandemic, is doing a number on me.

The hammer on the nail was when I received that “pink envelope,” – that pink email in my case.

The company will not be extending my contract after the 31st of May 2020.

20″plague” it should be called.

 

In life, there’s a lot of things that are beyond your control.

The trick is not focusing on what is beyond your control, but focusing on what is.

My life lately has been me focusing on that. Shit I can’t control.

I’ve heard this before, and I’ve also mentioned this before, that life is more manageable when you grab hold of things you can control.

Control is an illusion, but an illusion that gives life purpose, I think.

So what can I do now, to help put myself in a better position in the future?

Hebrews 12:11

Those are the questions I should be asking.

Self-empowering questions, and not self-defeating questions.

~ Musa